Alone...its the definition of failure in my life. I found myself last night sitting alone, and thats when the most haunting thoughts run through my mind. I cant help but reflect on the failures that lead me to be in the postion of feeling so lonely...and i cant quite bring myself to move on...and i push away potential relationships because in the back of my mind nothing ever replaces what i once had. Everyone compares...gets compared...we all do it...most of the time we dont even realize the crime against humanity that we commit...because in reality there is no one standard we can compare against. There is no right there is not wrong...only the societal standard that has been set....what accounts us to follow this standard?... obviously its a moral majority thing, where we feel obligated to follow. The deepest cut ever made is the one that takes away a part of my optimism...the one that makes the blood run continuosly without a hesitant stop. Because it wasnt enough to just be who i am...i wasnt the expectation that he set....i wasnt her, and i cant help that, and i cant help being heartbroken over what i wasnt...something is bound to come along to give me strength to heal the deep cuts...the open wounds...the battle scars will show
its a gentle reminder of the walls that have been built
and the love i so desperatly need to feel...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dodgeball....Dorm Life
Dodgeball- objective...throw balls at people while dodgeing them on your own account....my objective...dodge everything and stand there, dont touch a ball on any account. My objective works for the most part im pretty good at that dodgeing thing...unfortunately this leaves me the last one standing the majority of the time...and thats when the epic "lets throw all the balls at the helpless blonde gurl at once"...so yes my technique isnt the best...but maybe they should call the sport dodge and throw ball....at least i looked cute right?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Unexplainable...Dorm Life
Dont ask questions about the unknown substances that magically appear in the sink that you share with three other gurls potentially more as some "other" people wander in and out of our living space... just trust me on this concept...Lysol that shit and clean it up and hopefully you can wash the memory of the exsistence of whatever was in that sink. I regret to inform you that you dont want to know everything in the world...because some things are just not worth knowing and are thoughts better off laid to rest for the remainder of your life span...i bid you goodnight until tomorrow.
The Majic of XTC...Dorm Life
Im not sure exactly what drugs shes on...but then agian my room mate may be on all of them, alcoholic....drug abusing...loud mouth, and maybe i have a lack of a better description but all these words add up to equal a inconsiderate bitch. Calling her out is a waste of breathe shes stuck in a mind set of running her own life...following no authority...the freedom of college is an earned right...and is should be fun....but should it spill over with substance abuse and fake friends who believe in altering what you believe as an indiviual? ive worked my way up from the day i walked into preschool up until they handed me a diploma for completing high school. This is my time to build up a better education...spend hours on end developing a greater sense of knowledge...and all my room mate can do is be a selfish home schooled brat...throwing away her oppourtunities to a whole new world of alcoholic binges and pot smoking circles. Fuck being handed ur dreams and throwing it away to partying and giving in to peer pressure. Im here for a reason...a reason to gain control over my life. A better understanding of achieveing a much higher success then just a working class hero. My sleepless nights caused by her obnoxious voice and tendency of slamming doors will not add to my greater good of climbing up the business ladder. If i could shoot her in the face i would....not with a gun...not with anything lethal...but the most guilt tripping of words...the words that will have her falling through holes of regret and waking up to the sweet stench of failure.
I will give her the benefit of the doubt...she was a sheltered child...but really its rather the chance of a lifetime...she most likely had a better education, public school can influence a teenage mind negatively. She is majoring in chemistry...so where the hell does she find this time to break herself down and feed into a college stereotype? theres not enough time in the world to compensate for time wasted with foul behavior....the kind she so generously demonstrates :0 Thanks to her i know what not to do in college to be a success....
I will give her the benefit of the doubt...she was a sheltered child...but really its rather the chance of a lifetime...she most likely had a better education, public school can influence a teenage mind negatively. She is majoring in chemistry...so where the hell does she find this time to break herself down and feed into a college stereotype? theres not enough time in the world to compensate for time wasted with foul behavior....the kind she so generously demonstrates :0 Thanks to her i know what not to do in college to be a success....
It's Not a Suprise...If It Breaks Your Heart
My weakness is the fear of being alone...I have a tendency to have an overkill thinking process that will eventually corrupt my state of mind, and i am left hopless, terrified, fearful, and displeased with life. I hate being alone. It's not the type of dieases where i can never be alone, its the type where if i dont get enough attention, affection, and reassurence i could potentially stop breathing...
Beyond my mild imperfection, im average...but if you keep in mind my weakness its easier to follow my story to understand why its not the easiest road to walk...
Matthew DeLaurell
6-14-2009...8-13-2009
Putting every memory, every moment spent with him together in my mind seems impossible...and it all becomes so real in my imagination and its like it never ended...its like he never gave up.
....and i gave up what i had for him, because what do u do when you've found the love of your life but you've already setteled for what you thought was love? You do what i did...you gather up all the strength you have to let go of that person...because it wasnt fair and i know (Theron) it wasnt fair. I knew it had to be done if not then...eventually...you cant love someone when your hearts with someone else. So there he was...Matthew...i had just started a new job, and suprise suprise he was my co-worker. I worked hard...not to show off, but because thats the nature of my being. If im going to put time into something i might as well put my whole effort in and do the best i can. I did just that. Matt had caught me off guard completely swept off my feet, i always felt something different with him, this deep connection of unexplainable happiness. He has this passion in his eyes...this powerful love for the way he lived his life. His smile was everlasting and sincere, everytime he looked at me i saw this in him. He had the ability to make me forget how cruel the world could be...and for a moment nothing was wrong because he was right there....right there next to me. Matt was optimistic...with this crazy talent of having something to say that always made me laugh. Two days at work and we hung out that friday night....i knew i had him then...he had me at hello :)
He had a 2009 Scion...i think we decided the color was eggplant....he loved driving in fact the only time i remeber driving was when his parents took away his car...yes his parents grounded him at the ripe age of 20 going on 21. He listened to the most high beat...crazy intense techo hard trance whatever he wanted to call it musik....and i enjoyed it....mostly because he knew every beat...every word by heart...and he would light up along with the musik, the look on his face is still a bullet in my brain....priceless
...and he held me...when i was sad...when i was excited...but the main point is he held me...close, the most comforting touch i could ever imagine. What i miss the most is the way he held my hand...i never felt alone when he held my hand...and he would just hold on when we walked anywhere together...sometimes even in the car or just sitting around....he held my hand like he held my heart.
We didnt have money...shit we worked for $7.47 an hour...yet we found a way to entertain ourselves that went beyond money...like board games...hes way competative in fact he almost cried once when i kiked his butt at bowling...beside that...he was great a monopoly and he did own me in that game. He loved walking around....so we would just walk hand in hand and nothing else in the world mattered.
His parents had a tendency to rip us apart...he would get grounded for God knows what every now and agian...and i wouldnt mind the days i couldnt see him...but somehow it ate at both of us...he would get frustrated when i was busy and couldnt make time to see him...and i would get frustrated with his parents and how unreasonable they where...this lead to numerous fights among us....which later on turned into a deal breaker for him
His birthday was fun...i spent forever trying to come up with the perfect gift...im still not sure if he really liked what i came up with...i never got to see him wear that adoarble black button up that i got him...
Then came the day i had to leave for Iowa...we had been having a rough spot in our relationship but i mean come on who dosnt have rough spots? ... i had been nagging at him because he went to go see Harry Potter for the third time with a friend...and i obviously wanted to see him before i left to see my Grandfather who had just been diagnosed with cancer and was having surgery...he left me hanging...i overreacted from the stress...but sorry didnt mean anything to him this time....sorry didnt fix it...my last night of work before the morning i had to leave, he came and explained to me that he was tired of us fighting and that maybe we werent as compadable as we thought...and that was the last time i saw him
We didnt break up right then and there...instead he was left to decide what he really wanted to do...the fate of our relationship left up to him...i left that following morning dreding every moment and every second of the thought of life without him....
We didnt talk for sometime...although i did get texts from multiple people that he had been hanging out with the gurl in floral and making her dinner...obviously things were not going the way i wanted them to...that gurl slept over at his house that night...and i cried myself to sleep
I called him later the next day he assured me nothing had happened between him and this other gurl. I ignored it...not wanting to start another fight knowing that i was losing him already...a couple days later during a prayer group for my grandfather and his surgery he let me go...he had his reasons,,,and it hurt like hell
You never realize how much someone means to you unitl there gone...i wasnt expecting him to just give up on everything that we had...walk away without a good reason...i loved him and i should of said it...but i was waiting on him....waiting for him to feel it too...i lost that oppourtunity to be in love agian...i miss him so much...and i learned to never fall too hard...and always tell someone when you love them...cause you may lose that chance down the road
Beyond my mild imperfection, im average...but if you keep in mind my weakness its easier to follow my story to understand why its not the easiest road to walk...
Matthew DeLaurell
6-14-2009...8-13-2009
Putting every memory, every moment spent with him together in my mind seems impossible...and it all becomes so real in my imagination and its like it never ended...its like he never gave up.
....and i gave up what i had for him, because what do u do when you've found the love of your life but you've already setteled for what you thought was love? You do what i did...you gather up all the strength you have to let go of that person...because it wasnt fair and i know (Theron) it wasnt fair. I knew it had to be done if not then...eventually...you cant love someone when your hearts with someone else. So there he was...Matthew...i had just started a new job, and suprise suprise he was my co-worker. I worked hard...not to show off, but because thats the nature of my being. If im going to put time into something i might as well put my whole effort in and do the best i can. I did just that. Matt had caught me off guard completely swept off my feet, i always felt something different with him, this deep connection of unexplainable happiness. He has this passion in his eyes...this powerful love for the way he lived his life. His smile was everlasting and sincere, everytime he looked at me i saw this in him. He had the ability to make me forget how cruel the world could be...and for a moment nothing was wrong because he was right there....right there next to me. Matt was optimistic...with this crazy talent of having something to say that always made me laugh. Two days at work and we hung out that friday night....i knew i had him then...he had me at hello :)
He had a 2009 Scion...i think we decided the color was eggplant....he loved driving in fact the only time i remeber driving was when his parents took away his car...yes his parents grounded him at the ripe age of 20 going on 21. He listened to the most high beat...crazy intense techo hard trance whatever he wanted to call it musik....and i enjoyed it....mostly because he knew every beat...every word by heart...and he would light up along with the musik, the look on his face is still a bullet in my brain....priceless
...and he held me...when i was sad...when i was excited...but the main point is he held me...close, the most comforting touch i could ever imagine. What i miss the most is the way he held my hand...i never felt alone when he held my hand...and he would just hold on when we walked anywhere together...sometimes even in the car or just sitting around....he held my hand like he held my heart.
We didnt have money...shit we worked for $7.47 an hour...yet we found a way to entertain ourselves that went beyond money...like board games...hes way competative in fact he almost cried once when i kiked his butt at bowling...beside that...he was great a monopoly and he did own me in that game. He loved walking around....so we would just walk hand in hand and nothing else in the world mattered.
His parents had a tendency to rip us apart...he would get grounded for God knows what every now and agian...and i wouldnt mind the days i couldnt see him...but somehow it ate at both of us...he would get frustrated when i was busy and couldnt make time to see him...and i would get frustrated with his parents and how unreasonable they where...this lead to numerous fights among us....which later on turned into a deal breaker for him
His birthday was fun...i spent forever trying to come up with the perfect gift...im still not sure if he really liked what i came up with...i never got to see him wear that adoarble black button up that i got him...
Then came the day i had to leave for Iowa...we had been having a rough spot in our relationship but i mean come on who dosnt have rough spots? ... i had been nagging at him because he went to go see Harry Potter for the third time with a friend...and i obviously wanted to see him before i left to see my Grandfather who had just been diagnosed with cancer and was having surgery...he left me hanging...i overreacted from the stress...but sorry didnt mean anything to him this time....sorry didnt fix it...my last night of work before the morning i had to leave, he came and explained to me that he was tired of us fighting and that maybe we werent as compadable as we thought...and that was the last time i saw him
We didnt break up right then and there...instead he was left to decide what he really wanted to do...the fate of our relationship left up to him...i left that following morning dreding every moment and every second of the thought of life without him....
We didnt talk for sometime...although i did get texts from multiple people that he had been hanging out with the gurl in floral and making her dinner...obviously things were not going the way i wanted them to...that gurl slept over at his house that night...and i cried myself to sleep
I called him later the next day he assured me nothing had happened between him and this other gurl. I ignored it...not wanting to start another fight knowing that i was losing him already...a couple days later during a prayer group for my grandfather and his surgery he let me go...he had his reasons,,,and it hurt like hell
You never realize how much someone means to you unitl there gone...i wasnt expecting him to just give up on everything that we had...walk away without a good reason...i loved him and i should of said it...but i was waiting on him....waiting for him to feel it too...i lost that oppourtunity to be in love agian...i miss him so much...and i learned to never fall too hard...and always tell someone when you love them...cause you may lose that chance down the road
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