Old Moon

...maybe seeing new moon wasnt a great choice, and as Bella cried herself to sleep...screaming agianst nightmeres and waking up in tears, it brought back that painful memory of Matt...the one that i lie to myself about everyday...i always tell myself how better off i am but i just keep telling myself that lie...like somehow it might come true...but hes my Edward...the boi that left me except i know better...i know he didnt do it to protect me...Matt broke me because he didnt love me and i will never know why...i will never understand this dark place that he put me in...and as i fight this feeling...im still in this happy place...im climbing out of this deep hole where ive been dumped...ive always been better then this...ive always been smarter then this...i shouldnt of put my whole heart on the line in this situaton - but as i look back at this summer love i cant help but find the perfection in it - and Matt will always be my nightmere...the one that makes me cry...and i remember the depression and the scares he left on not only my heart but my wrist...because i had to break the promise i kept to him - its the only way i felt free...free of him...yet i cant help but think of the way his words used to keep my soul filled with the most amazing warm feeling...his voice, his laugh, his personality is perfect enough its not worth the lost - completely worth the tears...and gone forever
and thats wat i live with...and as i watched that movie i saw his face in my head...and then i look to my right and see my Jacob...Theron is always going to be there...so this is what the end is like...this is what its really like to lose something and not get it back...this is what its like to be forgiven and realize that Theron is the one that will always be around to fix the broken pieces of my devastated heart....
thats something to be thankful for

p.s. He is really gone now...

End of the Nightmere

So heres November 2009...just rolling along, and how numb this passing time becomes...and it seems the weather outside freezes my heart...and theres is this undying hope that unthaws its cold dead beat...and gives me life agian____the kind of reviving breathe that you get when the wind has been knocked out of your lungs
and he is that relief, the sign of Gods forgiveness - so im blessed with this time left unfilled only to fill it with words for God and tell him how sorry i am...how blind ive become...how i need him to open my heart...light a fire so it can never be frozen agian
...and as i stood there in church i realize how selfish i have been...i walked down a path so empty and dark - i finally reached the end - the end is the way that this boy holds my hand...its how he had the courage to take my hand ((and he wont be perfect and i understand)) but he is like a masterpiece compelteing my own work of art...as the quiet sets in all he wants is my undying love...i feel his touch and wonder just how long until he breaks my heart...but as i stood in church i felt as though nothing surrounded me ((no pain...no love...no hurt)) just life...God whispers in my ear and i turn to my side and there he is worshiping the Lord...i smile that unforgettable smile...blessed to be a part of his life...blessed to have him in mine...and he helps my healing heart - i feel safe agian - the most gracious part in it all is that God is involved this time...maybe this means i get more time...more time to love...less time to have loss...a better chance at perminance in my heart....a grasp at holding onto an unbreakable faith

*Lyle Dean Rogers* October 2009