last night i chose to live...mainly because i bought one single ticket to the concert of my life....yes Green Day! i will be going alone but who even gives a damn...i have an amazing seat and i can take care of myself. I just gave myself something to live for...at least for the time being.
I am confused...slightly as to how i keep drawing conclusions in my life to how is going to be lived...yet i always seem to be redirected later down the road. Things werent so easy when i was younger either...but they seemed a lot less complicated. I dont feel like i questioned things as much, i feel like i just took things as they where and left it at that. I wish i could stop questioning now...start letting things go just because i should. I had this fabulous relationship going for me...then one single moment ended it all. And what does that relationship mean now? All it is...is memories, just little bits and pieces that come to my mind. Signifigant enough to make a mark...but weak enough to fall apart. Some things make me really sad...certain things that remind me of him. I look at every other guy and i have to point out all the things that he would never do...that Theron did. I just gave up perfect...so where does that leave me. I now have to fix myself...cause im terribly broken. Keep holding on to a no longer exisiting reason, and just learn to toughen up and deal with it. For the time being i just want to make my body sick...i deserve so much pain, and here i am confessing every heart felt word i think to myself in my mind.
So here i am...holding on for my dream of Green Day...but slowly falling apart until i find myself agian
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
((i found a dark place))
why do i write?
I write because it frees my wrist of all the scarring, all the blood, and all of the continuing hurt that my physical pain brings on me. I write about my past because its just one more step at letting it all go, and i did...Matt is gone from my heart, only his memory remains...and just the happy memories, the hard memories exists, only because i have to learn from my mistakes and from my heartbreak. I feel like my whole entire soul is expressed through my words, but when no one is around to listen...i find comfort in writing. I am amazed by how my thoughts flow when i go back and read everything that i have written. I am almost always suprised at how i can describe moments in my life and how everything can come together so perfectly with words. I write because i made a promise, a promise that will be broken soon, and when i go to break that secret i will do everything to cover up my downfall. But my wrists will bleed with the blood that HE deserved. The blood shall shed for the love that i have lost, for the boi that was supposed to marry, the boi that was i was so captivated by. He deserves the deepest scar on my wrist...
...and i find myself not being able to cry over him. But i can feel it building up, i can feel it thriving inside of me, and when i break i promise it will be the most broken i will ever have been. Because this time the initial impact of the beginning didnt phase me, but the time will come to mourn...and when i do it will be a dark place. A horrible place that i thought i woud never be agian....but i can feel it coming.
I just feel like i really messed it up....like this place that i have become is all my fault. I thought i had it all figured out, but when you lose someone you love then it all becomes real...reality just kiks in. And here i am totally alone, and im trying to train myself to be ok with alone, but its looking like a hard long road. I wish that i could talk to him, but i am so afraid of getting re-attached and hurting him agian. Looking at who i am...hurting him again would be inevitable. I miss human touch, i miss his kisses...and when i walk around i feel like im going to be alone for a lifetime. Maybe thats how i was meant to live...in the silence...with no one, and when i want kids maybe i will be better off a single parent.
I just trying to build myself up soo strong, i feel like the fear of being alone is the only thing holding me back in my life...i feel like thats the one thing that i cant overcome, and if i overcame it i would be unstoppable.
I am very much enjoying writing down what i believe in a solid journal. I enjoy interpreting the Bible and being soild on my opinon. I can feel God guiding my words as i write down my spiritual walk in life...and what makes sense to believe in. The truth.
Suicide - Its been on my mind, ever since i was in middle school, on and off. But now its more on then off. I have this HUGE burden on my shoulder to live up to this high expectation . I have to get good grades, and right now im just not living up to my own expectations. I feel like im always letting my friends down, i just dont feel like a good enough person when i look at myself in the mirror. Everyday is this growing battle agianst the mirror, and i feel horrible about feeling horrible. My self esteem is affecting everything that i do in my life, and now its affecting my friends and my love life. I wish that i could just wake up and feel perfect, good enough, better then what im thinking in my own mind. I push people away because i cant see the good in myself. I feel like ending my life...it just seems like the logical decision...the less stressful way to live is not to live at all. It may be selfish....but how is it selfish when im a dissapointment to begin with, when no one is here to hold my hand, when i cant pull the grades that i should be. Im broken...and i cant be fixed, i have it in for myself, and bleeding out in the shower would solve all this suffereing. The boi i love wouldnt have to love me anymore, and i think thats really what means the most.
Hurting,
Taylor Anne Meester
I write because it frees my wrist of all the scarring, all the blood, and all of the continuing hurt that my physical pain brings on me. I write about my past because its just one more step at letting it all go, and i did...Matt is gone from my heart, only his memory remains...and just the happy memories, the hard memories exists, only because i have to learn from my mistakes and from my heartbreak. I feel like my whole entire soul is expressed through my words, but when no one is around to listen...i find comfort in writing. I am amazed by how my thoughts flow when i go back and read everything that i have written. I am almost always suprised at how i can describe moments in my life and how everything can come together so perfectly with words. I write because i made a promise, a promise that will be broken soon, and when i go to break that secret i will do everything to cover up my downfall. But my wrists will bleed with the blood that HE deserved. The blood shall shed for the love that i have lost, for the boi that was supposed to marry, the boi that was i was so captivated by. He deserves the deepest scar on my wrist...
...and i find myself not being able to cry over him. But i can feel it building up, i can feel it thriving inside of me, and when i break i promise it will be the most broken i will ever have been. Because this time the initial impact of the beginning didnt phase me, but the time will come to mourn...and when i do it will be a dark place. A horrible place that i thought i woud never be agian....but i can feel it coming.
I just feel like i really messed it up....like this place that i have become is all my fault. I thought i had it all figured out, but when you lose someone you love then it all becomes real...reality just kiks in. And here i am totally alone, and im trying to train myself to be ok with alone, but its looking like a hard long road. I wish that i could talk to him, but i am so afraid of getting re-attached and hurting him agian. Looking at who i am...hurting him again would be inevitable. I miss human touch, i miss his kisses...and when i walk around i feel like im going to be alone for a lifetime. Maybe thats how i was meant to live...in the silence...with no one, and when i want kids maybe i will be better off a single parent.
I just trying to build myself up soo strong, i feel like the fear of being alone is the only thing holding me back in my life...i feel like thats the one thing that i cant overcome, and if i overcame it i would be unstoppable.
I am very much enjoying writing down what i believe in a solid journal. I enjoy interpreting the Bible and being soild on my opinon. I can feel God guiding my words as i write down my spiritual walk in life...and what makes sense to believe in. The truth.
Suicide - Its been on my mind, ever since i was in middle school, on and off. But now its more on then off. I have this HUGE burden on my shoulder to live up to this high expectation . I have to get good grades, and right now im just not living up to my own expectations. I feel like im always letting my friends down, i just dont feel like a good enough person when i look at myself in the mirror. Everyday is this growing battle agianst the mirror, and i feel horrible about feeling horrible. My self esteem is affecting everything that i do in my life, and now its affecting my friends and my love life. I wish that i could just wake up and feel perfect, good enough, better then what im thinking in my own mind. I push people away because i cant see the good in myself. I feel like ending my life...it just seems like the logical decision...the less stressful way to live is not to live at all. It may be selfish....but how is it selfish when im a dissapointment to begin with, when no one is here to hold my hand, when i cant pull the grades that i should be. Im broken...and i cant be fixed, i have it in for myself, and bleeding out in the shower would solve all this suffereing. The boi i love wouldnt have to love me anymore, and i think thats really what means the most.
Hurting,
Taylor Anne Meester
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
...then along came life...
Theron Aleczander Doig... November 15, 2009 - March 13, 2010
...and it didnt end horribly, it just ended, like how movies just come to an end because they cant last forever. And our credits where rolling and then theres this blank dark screen, and thats where we left off. We dont talk about it, we dont talk at all. He texts me to see if im ok, but im not, im not even ok enough to text back...and maybe im not ok but i really am taking care of myself and attemtping to walk down that spiritual path again. He broke me because he finally gave up, he didnt want to stick around to bring me out of my dark place, and i dont blame him, it would have been a lot of time spent and a lot of effort given. I dont think he had it in him. I have spent a lot of time alone since then, no one is really around, and i dont really mind it. I hate alone but right now im just accepting it. Im embracing it and just liviing with it as part of my life. I deserve to be alone after how foolishly i have acted, i lost someone i love because i have trouble letting my past go, its just hard to let things go that one made you so happy. Im learning now, and im starting with this new fresh break up to let it go. I know im my heart that i want to be able to come back to him. But i cant, because i dont want to put his heart through that pain. Theron deserves the best, he donst deserve a mess like me, in my opinon no one does. Guys come and go out of my life and the one that i want to stick around the most....is the hardest to keep around. Im hard to handle, im an attention whore, im needy, most of all ill start a fight when i feel like fighting. Im just different from any other gurl, and the world continues to tell me that there is some guy out there thats perfect for me, but realistically those are just words. No one wants to put up with me. I feel hopeless, like i want to push everyone away. But life is built on the connections you can make with other people, so i strive to make those connections, to feel the passion and excitement of getting to know and love others.
But i just feel like i shouldnt of pushed Theron away, we had so much to thrive for in our relationship. I think the worst part of it all is not knowing how he feels about all of this, i wish i knew what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I wish he would yell at me, scream at me so i could know what was going through his mind. I just keep picturing him going along with time, feeling nothing, cold inside. And his smile is gone, his laughter covered in gray. I would hate to think thats what he would become. And i hate to think that he would be with anyone but me.
Being apart is whats best for the both of us. Mostly him, but this empty aparment makes me think twice about who i am, and what i want to be.
Change.
Taylor Anne Meester
P.s. Theron, I will always love you.
...and it didnt end horribly, it just ended, like how movies just come to an end because they cant last forever. And our credits where rolling and then theres this blank dark screen, and thats where we left off. We dont talk about it, we dont talk at all. He texts me to see if im ok, but im not, im not even ok enough to text back...and maybe im not ok but i really am taking care of myself and attemtping to walk down that spiritual path again. He broke me because he finally gave up, he didnt want to stick around to bring me out of my dark place, and i dont blame him, it would have been a lot of time spent and a lot of effort given. I dont think he had it in him. I have spent a lot of time alone since then, no one is really around, and i dont really mind it. I hate alone but right now im just accepting it. Im embracing it and just liviing with it as part of my life. I deserve to be alone after how foolishly i have acted, i lost someone i love because i have trouble letting my past go, its just hard to let things go that one made you so happy. Im learning now, and im starting with this new fresh break up to let it go. I know im my heart that i want to be able to come back to him. But i cant, because i dont want to put his heart through that pain. Theron deserves the best, he donst deserve a mess like me, in my opinon no one does. Guys come and go out of my life and the one that i want to stick around the most....is the hardest to keep around. Im hard to handle, im an attention whore, im needy, most of all ill start a fight when i feel like fighting. Im just different from any other gurl, and the world continues to tell me that there is some guy out there thats perfect for me, but realistically those are just words. No one wants to put up with me. I feel hopeless, like i want to push everyone away. But life is built on the connections you can make with other people, so i strive to make those connections, to feel the passion and excitement of getting to know and love others.
But i just feel like i shouldnt of pushed Theron away, we had so much to thrive for in our relationship. I think the worst part of it all is not knowing how he feels about all of this, i wish i knew what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I wish he would yell at me, scream at me so i could know what was going through his mind. I just keep picturing him going along with time, feeling nothing, cold inside. And his smile is gone, his laughter covered in gray. I would hate to think thats what he would become. And i hate to think that he would be with anyone but me.
Being apart is whats best for the both of us. Mostly him, but this empty aparment makes me think twice about who i am, and what i want to be.
Change.
Taylor Anne Meester
P.s. Theron, I will always love you.
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