...then along came life...

Theron Aleczander Doig... November 15, 2009 - March 13, 2010

...and it didnt end horribly, it just ended, like how movies just come to an end because they cant last forever. And our credits where rolling and then theres this blank dark screen, and thats where we left off. We dont talk about it, we dont talk at all. He texts me to see if im ok, but im not, im not even ok enough to text back...and maybe im not ok but i really am taking care of myself and attemtping to walk down that spiritual path again. He broke me because he finally gave up, he didnt want to stick around to bring me out of my dark place, and i dont blame him, it would have been a lot of time spent and a lot of effort given. I dont think he had it in him. I have spent a lot of time alone since then, no one is really around, and i dont really mind it. I hate alone but right now im just accepting it. Im embracing it and just liviing with it as part of my life. I deserve to be alone after how foolishly i have acted, i lost someone i love because i have trouble letting my past go, its just hard to let things go that one made you so happy. Im learning now, and im starting with this new fresh break up to let it go. I know im my heart that i want to be able to come back to him. But i cant, because i dont want to put his heart through that pain. Theron deserves the best, he donst deserve a mess like me, in my opinon no one does. Guys come and go out of my life and the one that i want to stick around the most....is the hardest to keep around. Im hard to handle, im an attention whore, im needy, most of all ill start a fight when i feel like fighting. Im just different from any other gurl, and the world continues to tell me that there is some guy out there thats perfect for me, but realistically those are just words. No one wants to put up with me. I feel hopeless, like i want to push everyone away. But life is built on the connections you can make with other people, so i strive to make those connections, to feel the passion and excitement of getting to know and love others.
But i just feel like i shouldnt of pushed Theron away, we had so much to thrive for in our relationship. I think the worst part of it all is not knowing how he feels about all of this, i wish i knew what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I wish he would yell at me, scream at me so i could know what was going through his mind. I just keep picturing him going along with time, feeling nothing, cold inside. And his smile is gone, his laughter covered in gray. I would hate to think thats what he would become. And i hate to think that he would be with anyone but me.
Being apart is whats best for the both of us. Mostly him, but this empty aparment makes me think twice about who i am, and what i want to be.
Change.

Taylor Anne Meester

P.s. Theron, I will always love you.