All the Sadness as Faded

Its been a rough past year....but im finally getting my life together in the most fabulous way
As of today i have realized that i have left my past behind...for the first time in a long time...and i feel so alive and so relieved just to be me agian...i feel like my past love life has drained me, tied me down, and wiped me out...when in reality it needs to bring me up make me feel brand new agian...keep me guessing and most of all keep things interesting...and thats what i like about my life these days...its one big day to day surprise..and i just keep finding new things out
im happy to be less depressed and im so excited to become a part of this world in the realest of ways...i want to feel healthy and hopeful, beautiful and loved...and i can accomplish anything

theres a new boi in my life...and its just such a treat to meet such a guy that treats me with respect and it just really feels like im with a MAN for once in my life. we havnt even known eachother for a week and hes pretty much swept me off of my feet and into a whole new different and exciting world that i never knew existed
i feel like God is lifting me up and showing me the light...the kind of light that is forever shining in my heart after all the lessons have been learned and all there is left to do is love
and i know that i put my heart out there more then i should..and i wear it on my sleeve but i cant change...in fact its impossible for me to change the only thing i can do is get better at hiding my flaws...
Pat John Sedwick- Air Force MP May 27, 2010
I joined a dating website at the beginning of the week and low and behold he was the first one i messaged...minutes later we where having a conversation...an hour later we started texting eachother....tweleve hours later hes calling me while at work....and 24 hours later we are going to a movie and hes kissing me goodnight outside my door....three days later im thinking to myself "i could really see myself marrying this guy"
Downfall - he is deploying in 5 months (October) so what do i do? i stick around damnit! im strong enough for this...and if he continues to make me feel the way i do now...theres no doubt in my mind that i can withstand a 6 month deployment for him ;) after all he has truely shown me the way that i have always dreamed of feeling...and the time apart could even do us good...and as of the 27th we are officially dating..and today i come to you blog...telling you to prepare for millions of words and more...because this is going to be an awefully big adventure.

one day short of a month

Ive got a whole entire day under my belt...and all i can think of is "wow that was a fucking gay day" so who cares what everyone else thinks about Theron and I...what matters is just him and I..but what matters now is us being apart...yesterday i went to go and see him with no intention of walking out on him like i was forced to do...and now i cant see him for a whole terrible long and agonizing month... i hate it...i hate the thought of it...and i hate living it
i hate that he couldnt look me in the eyes and tell me that he wanted to be with be for sure
i hate that i cant make him as happy as i would like him to be
i hate so many things right now that im sitting alone in this dark room and thats been the story of my life for the whole entire day now...how pathetic...
i cant feel anything and there is no emotion left inside of me at this point...im alone and for the first time i feel like i would rather be alone then live the lie of Theron
he practically thru everything in my face...tore out my hope and dreams and trampled on them twice...i stress him out...he had the nerve to say that
and to be honest im just sitting here wishing that we could make love and leave...i just want to use him...
he rejected me yesterday...i walked out on him this time though...i got in the last word
and as he stood in front of my car i felt like i just wanted to punch everything...and throw a huge blown out tantrum...because he doesnt deserve to take what was left of my happiness and he doesnt deserve to make me cry anymore...no one does
so i yelled at him and i got in the last word and drove away...so he has to live with that memory
no more ring
no more texting
no more calling
no more of anything that is attached to the memory of him
if he wants me in his life...he will find a way to put me there
as for now ill do what i can to remind myself of whats important
...and soon enough he will realize whats important to him

over and out
((hurt enough to not even care))