It's Not a Suprise...If It Breaks Your Heart

My weakness is the fear of being alone...I have a tendency to have an overkill thinking process that will eventually corrupt my state of mind, and i am left hopless, terrified, fearful, and displeased with life. I hate being alone. It's not the type of dieases where i can never be alone, its the type where if i dont get enough attention, affection, and reassurence i could potentially stop breathing...
Beyond my mild imperfection, im average...but if you keep in mind my weakness its easier to follow my story to understand why its not the easiest road to walk...

Matthew DeLaurell
6-14-2009...8-13-2009
Putting every memory, every moment spent with him together in my mind seems impossible...and it all becomes so real in my imagination and its like it never ended...its like he never gave up.
....and i gave up what i had for him, because what do u do when you've found the love of your life but you've already setteled for what you thought was love? You do what i did...you gather up all the strength you have to let go of that person...because it wasnt fair and i know (Theron) it wasnt fair. I knew it had to be done if not then...eventually...you cant love someone when your hearts with someone else. So there he was...Matthew...i had just started a new job, and suprise suprise he was my co-worker. I worked hard...not to show off, but because thats the nature of my being. If im going to put time into something i might as well put my whole effort in and do the best i can. I did just that. Matt had caught me off guard completely swept off my feet, i always felt something different with him, this deep connection of unexplainable happiness. He has this passion in his eyes...this powerful love for the way he lived his life. His smile was everlasting and sincere, everytime he looked at me i saw this in him. He had the ability to make me forget how cruel the world could be...and for a moment nothing was wrong because he was right there....right there next to me. Matt was optimistic...with this crazy talent of having something to say that always made me laugh. Two days at work and we hung out that friday night....i knew i had him then...he had me at hello :)
He had a 2009 Scion...i think we decided the color was eggplant....he loved driving in fact the only time i remeber driving was when his parents took away his car...yes his parents grounded him at the ripe age of 20 going on 21. He listened to the most high beat...crazy intense techo hard trance whatever he wanted to call it musik....and i enjoyed it....mostly because he knew every beat...every word by heart...and he would light up along with the musik, the look on his face is still a bullet in my brain....priceless
...and he held me...when i was sad...when i was excited...but the main point is he held me...close, the most comforting touch i could ever imagine. What i miss the most is the way he held my hand...i never felt alone when he held my hand...and he would just hold on when we walked anywhere together...sometimes even in the car or just sitting around....he held my hand like he held my heart.
We didnt have money...shit we worked for $7.47 an hour...yet we found a way to entertain ourselves that went beyond money...like board games...hes way competative in fact he almost cried once when i kiked his butt at bowling...beside that...he was great a monopoly and he did own me in that game. He loved walking around....so we would just walk hand in hand and nothing else in the world mattered.
His parents had a tendency to rip us apart...he would get grounded for God knows what every now and agian...and i wouldnt mind the days i couldnt see him...but somehow it ate at both of us...he would get frustrated when i was busy and couldnt make time to see him...and i would get frustrated with his parents and how unreasonable they where...this lead to numerous fights among us....which later on turned into a deal breaker for him
His birthday was fun...i spent forever trying to come up with the perfect gift...im still not sure if he really liked what i came up with...i never got to see him wear that adoarble black button up that i got him...

Then came the day i had to leave for Iowa...we had been having a rough spot in our relationship but i mean come on who dosnt have rough spots? ... i had been nagging at him because he went to go see Harry Potter for the third time with a friend...and i obviously wanted to see him before i left to see my Grandfather who had just been diagnosed with cancer and was having surgery...he left me hanging...i overreacted from the stress...but sorry didnt mean anything to him this time....sorry didnt fix it...my last night of work before the morning i had to leave, he came and explained to me that he was tired of us fighting and that maybe we werent as compadable as we thought...and that was the last time i saw him
We didnt break up right then and there...instead he was left to decide what he really wanted to do...the fate of our relationship left up to him...i left that following morning dreding every moment and every second of the thought of life without him....
We didnt talk for sometime...although i did get texts from multiple people that he had been hanging out with the gurl in floral and making her dinner...obviously things were not going the way i wanted them to...that gurl slept over at his house that night...and i cried myself to sleep
I called him later the next day he assured me nothing had happened between him and this other gurl. I ignored it...not wanting to start another fight knowing that i was losing him already...a couple days later during a prayer group for my grandfather and his surgery he let me go...he had his reasons,,,and it hurt like hell
You never realize how much someone means to you unitl there gone...i wasnt expecting him to just give up on everything that we had...walk away without a good reason...i loved him and i should of said it...but i was waiting on him....waiting for him to feel it too...i lost that oppourtunity to be in love agian...i miss him so much...and i learned to never fall too hard...and always tell someone when you love them...cause you may lose that chance down the road