Febreze

>>> if there is one thing in my life that i couldnt help it was putting that razor to my wrist...with no understanding of the long term damage i have created this far down the road...no intention on it becoming this great addiction that i can fall into and never fall out of...its a part of my life...(5 years)
and thats just it - i am COMPLETELY lost - and i forgot to be happy and i dont know how to be happy, maybe this is it - the excitement of life dies out and we become numb....when all the experience adds up you end up being this empty human being with no more roads to walk - no more new experiences to feel - and so many questions are left un answered and if someone could read my mind maybe someone could make sense of all this pain that just exists inside of me...but all i hear are the simple words " i dont understand " so am i left to understand only myself? how can i ever help who i am? and even when someone is here to take my hand i cant help but some what feel that i dont deserve this...that ive messed up so much in my life that i should never be happy...i took away so many other peoples happiness that i cant bare to be happy myself...i feel like a heart breaker...unintentional - unavoidable - its who i have become.

im sick, i am sick and there is no cure for how ill my sickness makes me...and i will die one day and i wont be suprised or discouraged to find out that im dying alone...when ive pushed everyone away...when i gave up who i was - i used to be so unbelievably unbroken...where did this come from?
and there i am at night...pitch dark...crying...my phone on silent my ipod on high...and im crying.. why am i crying? i want to feel safe - i want to feel appreciated - i want to be skinny - i want to be healthy - i want to loved - and i want to be smart - i want to have fun - i want to get out of this God forsaken dorm room and live the college life - but what is the college life without the alcohol and the drugs?

why cant we just go back to when we where in high school...when every feeling was completely new and every moment was a moment to die for .... i love somebody ... and somebody loves me.. and i will stop crying one day...

but for now... i am completely lost

Morals vs Ethics

...and to have a huge heart that cant always forgive and forget - hurts...its a painful feelings with a loss of breathe my chest is tight with the regretful feeling of losing you...alone maybe not in reality but in my mind there is this empty space and not a word out of my mouth to you can change the situation anymore - you no longer exist to hold my hand thru all the rough times and the thru all of the happy times...i walk alone as i walk im looking around at all the people - walking towards me is this couple...and the gurl she has this sparkle in her eye as she look up to her boi...and he looks down at her with the most intent listening i have ever seen a male posses....she smiles as she talks - and he smiles as he listens....hand and hand they are conquering the world together ... hand in hand they dont let eachother walk alone...and i smile at the concept and long for the ability to feel the warmth of a moment like that...the warmth of HIS hand holding mine - whoever HE is -
...and i fall short but how am i falling...will someone tell me my flaws so i continue to fix myself - everyday im fixing myself from the broken down wreck i became...to someone worth loving..and when will i stop pushing away the love and falling into rage

fairytales are real i can feel it in my heart and all around
i just cant wait until i can stop writing about my heartbreak in my blogs and start writing my fairytale ending

soon enough

Ranch With My Pizza

Prince Charming...what happened to fairytale romance...and gentlemen like conduct??? And i miss Theron a whole bunch...and i wish he would dig his head out of the whole of "patching relationships up" phase David wont ever fucking change i guarentee that much...and i can honestly tell you that ive tried to see the good in him once more, and well it dosnt exist...its quite the concept really...he has no heart, no feelings, just rage....he is soul less...and Theron _ GOD DAMNIT your stronger then this, your better then him, and i swear my life would mean more if you where in it... but i cant help it when im the one who pushed you away...but you understood me...you where the first person to hold me back from self harm..you gave a flying fuck and thats what eats at me on a daily basis...i still think i can be with Matt for no good reason other then i broke up with you to be with him...and thats not a good enough reason he was never really that special...not like you...not like us...we have more then enough in common to conquer this world...and when it comes to the end of the day you where the only boi in my life that ever took care of me...and now i just wear my mood ring like its no bodies business...cause its my little reminder of you...and how much you made me laugh...and how silly me and you where together... we are like the craziest people i kno!...well im slightly challeneged mentally - we kind of both are really....anyways i fucking went thru hell to contact you the other day, and now i feel super bad about it - cause you never really told me how much it was hurting you to be friends...you just kind of left me - and we all know how well i deal with people leaving me..i just wish i could RAWR at you over texting agian...i just want to RAWR! :( but i get it...i really do...just promise me your out there being my favorite t-pot in the whole world! K? kkk.....miss you and love you always

Purple Highlighter

Ive been avoiding the blogger for alomst a month now...it sits in the back of my mind and i guess im finally ready to move tit forward...write about the past month as best as i can...Matt still has an insane amount of power over me...he cannot stop texting me especailly in my down points throughout the day...he catches me off guard and he wont leave me alone....so what do i do...i fucking fall for him agian! Seriously will someone just save me already? I hung out with him this past friday...the first since he broke my heart, and it was amazing we had our old time laughs and i just looked into his eyes and i cant forget how passionate i am about him. He told me that he wants me to get over him...but at the same time he dosnt....and im the type to hold onto the words that give me the most hope...so in my mind all i can think of is how to not be over him. Last night he told me that the potential to get back together exists...only we have to start off friends...he claimes that its too hard to be with me...what i dont understand is how it was so easy to give up everything to be with him, yet he cant find the initiative to feel the same...but instead the exact opposite. And when i go to sleep he haunts my dreams, but since i hung out with him the dreams have subsided and i feel like i can breath agian, but this stress still exists, one where i long for him day in and day out. I just want him to kiss me like he used too, hold me like there is no one else in the entire world. I cant get enough of him, but im not sure how much longer i can wait for him to come around and take my hand...why do i have to wait on someone who broke my heart...? where is his undying love?

Nick Turnbull - Has a way with words....he wants to marry me...not right away but i have to find a way to Australia now...i dont think its possible...he asked some gurl to marry him and she said no....so of course im the only one who is ever going to stick around in his life cause i see the good in people...so he comes crying to me....then deletes me out of his life and the second i tell him that i would marry him...he is on the other line on my phone telling me everything i want to hear and more...his commitment has never existsed all he can see is how pretty i am...and yah im different but am i good enough for him...hes amazing yet he has his imperfetions...so what the hell am i supposed to do now? life is just twisting and turing...and all i want is a perminant love...one everlasting and true...then things would loss there stress and i could breathe agian

p.s. Annahelle moved her ass out ;) fuck yah