Febreze

>>> if there is one thing in my life that i couldnt help it was putting that razor to my wrist...with no understanding of the long term damage i have created this far down the road...no intention on it becoming this great addiction that i can fall into and never fall out of...its a part of my life...(5 years)
and thats just it - i am COMPLETELY lost - and i forgot to be happy and i dont know how to be happy, maybe this is it - the excitement of life dies out and we become numb....when all the experience adds up you end up being this empty human being with no more roads to walk - no more new experiences to feel - and so many questions are left un answered and if someone could read my mind maybe someone could make sense of all this pain that just exists inside of me...but all i hear are the simple words " i dont understand " so am i left to understand only myself? how can i ever help who i am? and even when someone is here to take my hand i cant help but some what feel that i dont deserve this...that ive messed up so much in my life that i should never be happy...i took away so many other peoples happiness that i cant bare to be happy myself...i feel like a heart breaker...unintentional - unavoidable - its who i have become.

im sick, i am sick and there is no cure for how ill my sickness makes me...and i will die one day and i wont be suprised or discouraged to find out that im dying alone...when ive pushed everyone away...when i gave up who i was - i used to be so unbelievably unbroken...where did this come from?
and there i am at night...pitch dark...crying...my phone on silent my ipod on high...and im crying.. why am i crying? i want to feel safe - i want to feel appreciated - i want to be skinny - i want to be healthy - i want to loved - and i want to be smart - i want to have fun - i want to get out of this God forsaken dorm room and live the college life - but what is the college life without the alcohol and the drugs?

why cant we just go back to when we where in high school...when every feeling was completely new and every moment was a moment to die for .... i love somebody ... and somebody loves me.. and i will stop crying one day...

but for now... i am completely lost