You just stay where you are

...alone...all day...no one around...no one to say good morning too...no one to say good night too
so this is it...this is life without him...because he is gone and no one is worth talking with because hes not in my life anymore...and last night we said we would talk today, he has no interest, but to break me...and i cant handle that right now, i would rather stay puzzeled as to why this all is happening, then to know the truth at this moment
because at this moment i am extremely ill
i feel like im not only dieing inside, but my physical being cant take the pain of losing him
and im a master at playing off my feelings to the rest of the world, so im the only one who knows about how dark things are getting when im stuck here...in this room...by myself
i dont really care about what other people around me are thinking...because im hurt
because im sick
because when i needed Theron the most...he walked out on me agian...you would think thats a sign of having to let someone go...but when Theron walks out on me i crave him even more, all i can do is think of how to fix it...all i can do is listen to those sad songs that fill me with so much pain that it feels good to at least feel something...
and i want to change...even tho i would hate to change who i am...but if it means getting Theron back then its worth every effort
I had a dream last night about our wedding invitations...and how perfect they would look with the both of our names on it Theron + Taylor forever.

But reality isnt like that anymore...he goes to my best friend for everything...and here i am...hopeless...he wouldnt listen to me when we where together and that makes me feel like i was worthless...i just miss someone texting me that actually cared about me...i miss the way he would hold me from behind....so warm
...and he would be here right now...while im in this heartbreaking pain...and then maybe i would be healed faster if he was...but no...i managed to push him away agian...and all i do is sleep and pray that maybe today will be the day for answers....today will be the day he runs back to me with all the love he ever knew of
damnit im in soo much freaking pain right now it hurts to move...it hurts to exsist

I cant breathe

If there was one day when i needed Theron the most...its would have been today. I cant breathe...i cant feel my body, and im soo sick. Inhaling the smell of weed has killed my immune system, and i cant believe that i thought a bong was a vase until someone started putting their face on it. So here i am laying in bed...and i feel like im dying, i cant get up...i cant barely move. This week was a lesson...one big eye opening lesson. Emotions have been running at their highest and its time to let go. Im killing myself with all these hopeless memories. My phone is completely silent, and i think thats what gets to me the most, is that no one really cares anymore. I dont blame anyone for the sickness i feel inside. I just wish that Theron wouldnt have walked out on me, i wish he cared enough to fight. He is letting me go...and i suppose he wants me to do that same. My heart is considerably damaged by even the mere thought of him never being in my life agian. But i will do what he wishes, and i will respect his decisions. Because i cant change the world and be incontrol of everything. I long to be in the perfect relationship...but in the end Theron was the best i will have ever had, he treated me like a princess....he thinks im pretty without makeup...hes smart and handsome, and he care....he actually gives a damn
he took care of me...but he didnt take care of me today when i needed him the most...so this is fate...he isnt here...and he is letting me go...
so im letting this go...and is hurts like hell to write that, but it hurts like hell even more to picture Theron with any other gurl
but he deserves a less demanding relationship, and i deserve to be alone and i deserve to let everything go
but letting everything go...means being dead

Theron => I Love You

Numb

I don't cry about it...and when a thought of him comes to mind i distract my mind immediately. I left our relationship in his hands, and that was the hardest thing to do when i feel like i need to be in control of every aspect of my life....and we have been ignoring each other for four days now. In my opinon he left me Tuesday night and we where on good terms...but has time continued he choose not to communicate with me...so instantly i resolve to conclusions of my own.
So i let him be alone, i figure he is upset with me from what happened on Tuesday night, and unfortunately i cant change my caring nature...if i was to i would be left with nothing...and even though i care too much and sometimes it breaks my heart i would rather not be a cold human being. I have no clue what he is feeling and for now im ok with that. Maybe he really is getting his act together even more now days, i know i was a burden. I miss him...but my numb heart just keeps beating and life just keeps living. I suppose im in denial...i dont want to accept that we have to be apart but its what we are both doing to each other right now. Its hard to let it go, espcially since i feel like i killed myself inside and he brought me back to life.