My Heart is in London

- this is my heart....and it needs to be in London
Last Night - so i have the funniest joke ever...three of my exes are at a party....thats it, well i thought it was funny
until i came to the realization that im a complete slut/whore/undateable human being
...i really dont like who ive become...and how i put myself out there like somehow Prince Charming exists....
i trust people way too easily....and i think about the future and im the kind of gurl that could fit in anyones life
but whos the type of guy that fits in my life???
so im giving up dating - im going to say no to those who offer...im going to ignore those you suggest...and im going to stop stressing over being afraid and alone
im giving all of those males up in order to find myself...who i am without everyone else
i know that i need to be a better person...i know i need to laugh more...stress less...and set myself up for more acheivements then failures
i need to stop thinking about the "what if" and start thinking about the here and now
i need to stop hurting myself with the past memeories of those who insisted on breaking my heart
because i used to be much prettier and in time i will be the untouchable
im not the give it up and give in gurl anymore...i wont kiss just because...and i refuse to have another male in my bed...and i refuse to be in any other males bed until i get treated like the Lady that i am
I left the dating websites behind...im sick of the pigs...the rude...and nasty self proclaimed gentlemens
i have so much more to offer then sexual favors...cute looks...and a rockin body
fuck the world...i have a mind of my own...an education im proud of...and a successful career to look forward too...i dont need a guy to pull and push me around...i dont need them to tell me who to be
i dont need to date to be happy...i dont need anyone to hold my hand...
i need myself...and London
because London always made me smile... <3

burned myself

...and i havent been writing because it heals me and i dont feel like being healed...but then i break in a huge and enourmous way...and then i just stop...i lost my faith agian, but this time im not crying on my knees for God to help me anymore because im starting to feel like thats an endless circle that keep on twisting around...and i cant make it stop...even to breathe for a second or two
i dont love anything anymore...i dont love anyone anymore...i dont love me...and i dont love this life...every feeling is numb and painful - except for the loneliness....that burns and feels sweet as hell
i kid myself - pretend that im alright and put on a show for the whole of the world...but in reality im dying inside...the thought of touching anymore guys makes me sick to my stomach....the thought of flirting and getting to know anyone else just seems time consuming and bothersome
Matt should not have left me....Theron deserved to leave me...and now that all the leaving has sunk in...i feel like ive left myself - like my soul is gone
i cant bring myself to go to the gym, or cook, and everytime i try to make myself do something fun it never lives up to my expectations...i just sit here cleaning my room like a child with a siginifigant problem with A.D.D.
i cant stand other people...i cant stand anything that remotely makes me uncomfortable...so i sit here in this room - the window covered in black just the way i like it and wallow in my own sorrow...and wonder if there is any dignity left in this world...
my dreams are all i have left...and i complete my school work in order to keep dreaming...that one day ill be far away from all the people i thought i knew...far away from a suffering society where sex, alcohol, and drugs rule...i just want to dance around in a pretty summer dress and feel like my heart is beating...im so dead...everything feels dead
what happened to me? ... whats happening to me?...
just when everything seems a bit brighter it starts getting covered in gray...i dont want to have fun anymore...because every fun moment ends up being a memory that i wish i could have back...but cant
...i need to bleed...

this is the bored blog

i have been locked out of the other building that im supposed to be inconviently moving into today...because UCCS has issues beyond all hopes of help
so i decided since all my shit is packed and ready to be moved that i needed to just fucking blog about whats been going down the past couple of days
i feel - ignored, underappreciated, ditched, not good enough, unworthy, and any other description that falls under the category of not feeling like someone cares
its Pat - he just hasnt been talking to me lately and im wondering now that maybe falling so fast wasnt a good idea after all...he is supposed to come and help me move today so we will see if he even remembers thats...i feel like he dosnt want to see me at all..but then agian i tend to make up my own reality in some cases.
i have really taken a liking to this guy...but i have not taken a liking to going days without seeing him or talking to him..getting him to talk is a nightmere because i dont want to feel like im imposing or being annoying in any way...so i just wait around driving myself crazy wondering if hes going to text me...but then harrass the shit out of my phone when he finally does

and its only been a couple of day...and after waking up this morning i have come to the conclusion that yea hes a great guy but if i have to leave myself guessing whether or not he cares...then this may be a dead end...its not like there arnt plenty of guys dying to take me out...and for heavens sake i dont even want to think about that right now...i just want Pat to care...but if not then, hey life will go on
wish me luck