burned myself

...and i havent been writing because it heals me and i dont feel like being healed...but then i break in a huge and enourmous way...and then i just stop...i lost my faith agian, but this time im not crying on my knees for God to help me anymore because im starting to feel like thats an endless circle that keep on twisting around...and i cant make it stop...even to breathe for a second or two
i dont love anything anymore...i dont love anyone anymore...i dont love me...and i dont love this life...every feeling is numb and painful - except for the loneliness....that burns and feels sweet as hell
i kid myself - pretend that im alright and put on a show for the whole of the world...but in reality im dying inside...the thought of touching anymore guys makes me sick to my stomach....the thought of flirting and getting to know anyone else just seems time consuming and bothersome
Matt should not have left me....Theron deserved to leave me...and now that all the leaving has sunk in...i feel like ive left myself - like my soul is gone
i cant bring myself to go to the gym, or cook, and everytime i try to make myself do something fun it never lives up to my expectations...i just sit here cleaning my room like a child with a siginifigant problem with A.D.D.
i cant stand other people...i cant stand anything that remotely makes me uncomfortable...so i sit here in this room - the window covered in black just the way i like it and wallow in my own sorrow...and wonder if there is any dignity left in this world...
my dreams are all i have left...and i complete my school work in order to keep dreaming...that one day ill be far away from all the people i thought i knew...far away from a suffering society where sex, alcohol, and drugs rule...i just want to dance around in a pretty summer dress and feel like my heart is beating...im so dead...everything feels dead
what happened to me? ... whats happening to me?...
just when everything seems a bit brighter it starts getting covered in gray...i dont want to have fun anymore...because every fun moment ends up being a memory that i wish i could have back...but cant
...i need to bleed...