100% Cotton...Dorm Life

I'm Vice Chair of the Ladies and Gentlmen Society....we aim to teach and practice courtesy, courage, compassion, chivarly, and courtliness. How the hell did i get dragged into this? Im like the farthest from a lady as they come...im exremely perverted not to mention unclassy and only well mannered when neccessary....other then that this is a huge challenge...i kinda of have to laugh cause i brought this all upon myself...it should be quite interesting to see what the turn out is. But im mostly interested in the impact of helping guys and girls better understand each other, and hopefully bring back chivarly, evey gurl deserves to be treated right...and this could be the beginning of breaking the stero type of the "college hook up"...ive already been hurt and its been like three weeks...guys are bastards in my opinion. I hope i can teach gurls to treat guys better and hopefully tip them off to unacceptable behavior when inteacting with the opposite sex. Ballroom dancing should be an awefully big adventure...also sitting up straight is going to be a big change on my part. So far its all coming together...only thing to do now is hope that we can make a big enough impact to stay around...and hopefully recruit more people willing to change it up a bit so we can all stop acting like horny teenagers ;)

Energy Shot

how do you go about forgiving someone who literally tore your whole world apart?...how do you even stand talking to the boi who picked up and gave up on you the second things got hard...the second another gurl looked his way...how do you read his words saying "you where right"..and "no one could ever love me like you did"...so im stuck between this crossroad of trying to anaylize his evey words and contemplate how to handle this situation...ive moved on i really have so what makes him have this insane power to change my mind about him? he hurt me shouldnet that be enough to walk away from his realized failure? and i cant believe the position ive found myself in...i never would of thought he would ever say those words...i never would have guessed his intentions...maybe he got hurt, or maybe he really did care about me...what made him come back? whats making me want to even think about how we once laughed...held each other all thru the night....he is just this amazing boi with this beautiful smile and this crazi sense of humor...now all thats left in my mind is the questions...should i forgive him? how long will we last if i do? what will make a second chance different? and how will i trust him? huge questions that i have to answer myself based on his actions
or i could easily move on to a sweet compassionate boi...that is willing to take my hand and would do his best not to hurt me...
whats is going to be this time...whos going to win...

Ungrateful Let Down

You dont really know anyone good enough until you are spending day after day living around them. I swore that i knew what i was getting myself into, i swore i knew how to handle the ups and downs, the fights, the arguments....but what its come down to is the slow burning up of my self-esteem. I feel like i cant be good enough, that i never live up to the expectations set...and i aim to have fun, make mistakes and learn, i find myself contradiciting my actions, my words every now and then. I cant help it im human, i cant help if im not the cream of the crop, or the most value oriented person. I am who i am, and my best friend should except that, i shouldnt feel like im not good enough everyday...not like i did when i lived at home. So what im a terrible human being...im doing what i can to make emotional ends meet, im doing what i can to recover from the shocks and grief life throws in my face. I end up making some choices im not proud of but how else am i supposed to learn? and i dont need to be singled out, i just need to live and be loved. I just need to be accepted, i need to feel like fun is ok agian, and that i have a right to be respected. I shouldnt feel like i have to self inflict pain to my wrist everytime i am dissapproved of...the strong sensation of self mutilating rings with every thought when i cant grasp reality and hold on to happiness. Where did everything become so messed up? Whos really worth trusting anymore, who is really real? when will we all just learn to get along? i just want everyone to get along.

Lost Cause - Dorm Life

...and has she laughed in my face my respect for her chokes...hesistates, then commits suidcide. So take your pride and run, because you have just made your life hell. All she has is this pedistal of eye rolling and immature words. Once agian my room mate as proved to me that she is capable of taking my hate one step further. Im easy to forgive and a master mind at forgetting, but she tattoos my memory with the most selfish of actions, and the most inconsiderate words. Her face becomes twisted in my mind...and i manipulate it into this ugly beast, one i cant beat...but will always push back with my undenialble skill at putting together the most scarring of words. Comprimise is inevitable....but denying your own mistakes is pitifull. So i hope she drowns in her own self inflicting actions, she can never break down what i have built up...she hardly effects my thoughts at all.

Hope to God You'll Survive the Morning

Its the most sickening feeling...of twisted doubt and freezing faith. When you go to sleep you dream and then wake up to realize nothing has changed, im still not in the happy...over the rainbow mood...nothing seems worth randomly smiling about. This harsh life has become this meaningless black hole of lost self esteem and a continuously questioning heart. And my heart is not whole, and now i wonder on the initial impact of morning who is going to change that? this emptiness inside has yet to be filled, and i sit here in complete silence thinking about what i could do today to somehow fill this void. And what gets at me now is i dont want to live in the dorms anymore, i dont want to live with my best friend, i want to be alone. I look in the mirror and i become displeased with my image, i become fake....and my eyes they are filled with this undying passion...one i cant fufill...because im to captivated by dissapointment. Im not her. I am me. But what have i ever done in this world? why does it always come back to the unanswered questions? i thought love could overcome everything, but its a completely different life when the love is slowly fading...and the physical takes over the emotinol. I want to laugh again...i want the lies to end...i want the power to love myself...and i want the drive to be successful...today is what i want...tomorrow will be too late.

The Breakdown

...he put me on the train tracks...and i was just standing there all alone looking in both directions...anticipiating wat was going to happen, what was bound to come next...and thats where he continued to put me....and i was waiting....waiting on the train to come and end what was left of this torn relationship...and the train - it was slow...and it made stops along its path...then, this morning, it finally hit me...stopping my heart before the intial impact...and now im left with the relapse of pain....and it hurts so bad and so good all at the same time, so bad because i should of been more like her....so good because maybe this is the final step...now that the train has wiped away his memory i should be ok right? i should forget...i should remember how bad it hurt to see her...how much more it breaks my heart to see the comments she leaves on his Facebook...whatever happen to us...i thought he was happy?....and the perfect memory of him that i created now withers into hell....it becomes so dark, so cold for my thoughts to touch on, and i become weak at my knees wondering where i went wrong. But as i look up from there...this oblivion of hope sneaks thru the darkest clouds of this raging storm, and maybe he was made of denial...and i was made to love, but the only thing stopping me from giving my life one last shot is his picture and her...so they have been deleted and i hope to God he stays that way in my life...forever...i dont deserve to be in pain anymore

Fearless

So i have come to the conclusion that i have not lost my touch...guys like me...they talk to me, tell me im cute, share intrests with me, hang out with me, etc....but when am i ever going to be good enough to be the gurl that one guy cant live without? and this is what the battle between love and life is...its finding that balance...the one where he becomes reliable, caring, outgoing, and compassionate...all the things that i am capable of doing in a relationship. Yet it seems that they all fall short of something...one minute i think i just found Prince Charming...the next im being ignored and wonder why i even liked him in the first place...and ive become this person of no tolerance....if im not getting what i want i wont comprimise like i once used to....if he is displeasing to me i wont back down and let it go...i will move on until im the one be serenaded with attention, until im the one he cant be without...until he holds my hand to show every other gurl that im the one close to his heart. What does it take to be perfect? i have this huge heart with this never ending gift of giving back....i adore people who make me laugh...and i can hold a good conversation for hours...i have the ability to anything i set my mind too....where did i fall short...what is it going to take to make someone love me? whatever happened to love? ive mentioned before that love has become fear...but im fearless...therefore i have the capability to love uncondionally....and im willing to put that out there...and fine i have standards i admit that, but i would give up a lot for love in return. Gods greatest gift is love. He gave us the ability to love...so what makes love so wrong these days? where did commitment go? i suppose it drowned in the sea of gorgeous gurls...seems like that sea swallows a lot of good things these days....a sea of gurls has recently ended my two previous relationships....causing my so called boifriend to pick another gurl...leaving me with the comment..."i should have been more like her" even in the relationships where i havent been dumped there was always a gurl that concerned me...but i cant be anyone but myself...so do guys really exsist that want to be in a commited, loving relationship and honestly dont look at other gurls? and i suppose the thought comes to mind that we are too young...well i hope anyone who thinks that chokes on that thought cause its bullshit...i have enough experience at 18 to write a book on what to do and what not to do in a relationship...i could easily point out major failures of relationships and easy fixes for relationships...i could even give you an outline of a working relationship. Digressing from how smart i think i am...i am single...havnt been for long...but still im alone. I will however share a bit of detail on how this subject came about and how i am dealing with it. I like a guy....suprise suprise...and actually i am quite suprised on how fast i relapsed from my heartbreak which occured only weeks ago....this guy lives here in the dorms...not far away at all. I find that to be convient, we met last friday night after a soccer game, he had been room hoping and left his number on our whiteboard hung outside our door. I was the first one back to the dorm and the first one to take the number off the board and text him. He came around a bit later with his room mates and we chilled. At first he didnt seem anything special....but as he continued to speak...i began to get to know him better and better....he seemed sweet, fun, and cute. Him and his room mates stuck around for quite a while and it was really fun getting to know them all. They eventually left and i continued to text him...he came over later...this time alone...and yes there was some lip action. For a guy i met probably 5 hours in advance i was suprised that i made out with him...o well...it was worth it. So how could i be falling for him now all of a sudden? it hasnt even been a full week....i tend to read people very quickly, i can understand there intentions and somehow put them all together to create who they are...we have continued texting almost non-stop since the night we met...ive spent the night at his dorm and we shared multiple meals together. We have honestly hung out a lot in my opinon...between school and him going to work,,,,so whats the problem here? the problem here is that he is completely into me when we are alone/ with just his room mate...but when we are out and about on campus he will walk in front of me ( which i find extremely offensive ), hardly conversate with me...and wave at random gurls....fine i cant be jealous cause it hasnt been that long...but seriously do i really deserve to be lead on? so my actions now are vague....i am outraged by his behavior at lunch...he sat completely away from me and didnt even look at me or talk to me once....i put a lot into my last relationship...i gave a lot up for him and i gave a lot to him...now looking back that seems foolish...so with this new crush i have a different mind set...nothing will be given up for the sake of being with him until he can prove worthy otherwise....i will not text him after his outrageous behavior at lunch...i will not be jealous towards his contact with any other gurl...and i will not care (not become heartless)...if he is worth my time then he will prove it eventually...he will find a way to be with me...but i wont walk down a one way street agian ...i refuse to be foolish and vulnerable...i have a lot to give...but i will only give it to the guy who proves he wants it.

Getting Along...Dorm Life

I love Green Day...and really i dont care what other people's opinion is...if i did i would ask...but i NEVER ask...yet people think that they can tear me apart with what the believe...sorry if this bursts anyones bubble but didnt anyone ever listen to the cute little bunny mom in Bambi...if you cant say something nice then dont say anything at all...fine fine fine im a rare case thats only likes their new stuff that...but under no circumstance does that make me stupid, retarded, or emo. In fact if people would just take down their level of cockiness and give it a chance they might find that they enjoy it. Oooo the concept of human nature is appauling to me...somedays i just cant figure it out...and other days its just too damn predictable. I would just like to define the definition of obsessed vs passionate...obsessed - to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings or desires of a person...passionate - having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling. So let me now take the time to apply those defintions into how i feel about Green Day...Green Day does not dominate my thoughts if they did i would be pro Obama...and that is not OK with me....also i would be a drug addict, alocoholic nobody...i would have dropped out of high school like Billie told me at his recent concert, and sold my body for sex...i would also be a rock n roll addict. I have a passion for Green Day, their musik has the ability to over take my emotion when i listen to it...and it enhances my feelings, their musik is a genius work of art and i support them by buying their merchandise...not to mention Billie just happens to be a great peice of eye candy...so now that i have explained the actual situation of how i feel about Green Day everyone can now refrain from using the word obsessed...uneccessary and incorrect by all means.

Moderation

...and finally August ends...a month filled with parties, love, heartbreak, new beginnings, and rough endings. It put me in a place of doubt, one where i would rather not look back at this month...it showed me how quickly things can change....how out of nowhere your whole life can alter and your stuck walking down a completley different path then what you anticipated. I put my whole heart out there on the line....it was broken....but then i gathered the strength to pick up the pieces...now all thats left is repairing the damage. Right now my feelings are indifferent, it was a mildly quick relapse and i realize now how many people care about me...its just letting go of the boi that i wanted to care for me...but he dosnt....this leaves me in a difficult position....one where moving on is the only option, because to dwell on him would be a waste of the time i so desperatley need to fill with happiness and love. And all i ever needed in life was someone who would do anything to make me laugh...and nothing to make me cry, someone who appreciates how caring i am...how much i have to offer. Love is life and the moral majority are afraid of the word love...love is then defined as fear...and yes when you fall in love your putting your heart out there...potentially to be broken...but the potential to be loved back its so much greater then the pain...and i would endure the most painful of heartbreaks as long as someone loved me with all there heart at one point or another. You have to realize that time may heal...but its the people around you that make your heart heal faster...its the happiness you share with even a stranger...and the happiness between you and your best friend....its the quick smiles and the short hello that can pull you up from the deepest darkest hole. Life is about putting your heart at risk...smilling at the little things...and making as many friends as you can...its the journey of a life time i would rather share it with everyone i know then on my own.