My Heart is in London

- this is my heart....and it needs to be in London
Last Night - so i have the funniest joke ever...three of my exes are at a party....thats it, well i thought it was funny
until i came to the realization that im a complete slut/whore/undateable human being
...i really dont like who ive become...and how i put myself out there like somehow Prince Charming exists....
i trust people way too easily....and i think about the future and im the kind of gurl that could fit in anyones life
but whos the type of guy that fits in my life???
so im giving up dating - im going to say no to those who offer...im going to ignore those you suggest...and im going to stop stressing over being afraid and alone
im giving all of those males up in order to find myself...who i am without everyone else
i know that i need to be a better person...i know i need to laugh more...stress less...and set myself up for more acheivements then failures
i need to stop thinking about the "what if" and start thinking about the here and now
i need to stop hurting myself with the past memeories of those who insisted on breaking my heart
because i used to be much prettier and in time i will be the untouchable
im not the give it up and give in gurl anymore...i wont kiss just because...and i refuse to have another male in my bed...and i refuse to be in any other males bed until i get treated like the Lady that i am
I left the dating websites behind...im sick of the pigs...the rude...and nasty self proclaimed gentlemens
i have so much more to offer then sexual favors...cute looks...and a rockin body
fuck the world...i have a mind of my own...an education im proud of...and a successful career to look forward too...i dont need a guy to pull and push me around...i dont need them to tell me who to be
i dont need to date to be happy...i dont need anyone to hold my hand...
i need myself...and London
because London always made me smile... <3

burned myself

...and i havent been writing because it heals me and i dont feel like being healed...but then i break in a huge and enourmous way...and then i just stop...i lost my faith agian, but this time im not crying on my knees for God to help me anymore because im starting to feel like thats an endless circle that keep on twisting around...and i cant make it stop...even to breathe for a second or two
i dont love anything anymore...i dont love anyone anymore...i dont love me...and i dont love this life...every feeling is numb and painful - except for the loneliness....that burns and feels sweet as hell
i kid myself - pretend that im alright and put on a show for the whole of the world...but in reality im dying inside...the thought of touching anymore guys makes me sick to my stomach....the thought of flirting and getting to know anyone else just seems time consuming and bothersome
Matt should not have left me....Theron deserved to leave me...and now that all the leaving has sunk in...i feel like ive left myself - like my soul is gone
i cant bring myself to go to the gym, or cook, and everytime i try to make myself do something fun it never lives up to my expectations...i just sit here cleaning my room like a child with a siginifigant problem with A.D.D.
i cant stand other people...i cant stand anything that remotely makes me uncomfortable...so i sit here in this room - the window covered in black just the way i like it and wallow in my own sorrow...and wonder if there is any dignity left in this world...
my dreams are all i have left...and i complete my school work in order to keep dreaming...that one day ill be far away from all the people i thought i knew...far away from a suffering society where sex, alcohol, and drugs rule...i just want to dance around in a pretty summer dress and feel like my heart is beating...im so dead...everything feels dead
what happened to me? ... whats happening to me?...
just when everything seems a bit brighter it starts getting covered in gray...i dont want to have fun anymore...because every fun moment ends up being a memory that i wish i could have back...but cant
...i need to bleed...

this is the bored blog

i have been locked out of the other building that im supposed to be inconviently moving into today...because UCCS has issues beyond all hopes of help
so i decided since all my shit is packed and ready to be moved that i needed to just fucking blog about whats been going down the past couple of days
i feel - ignored, underappreciated, ditched, not good enough, unworthy, and any other description that falls under the category of not feeling like someone cares
its Pat - he just hasnt been talking to me lately and im wondering now that maybe falling so fast wasnt a good idea after all...he is supposed to come and help me move today so we will see if he even remembers thats...i feel like he dosnt want to see me at all..but then agian i tend to make up my own reality in some cases.
i have really taken a liking to this guy...but i have not taken a liking to going days without seeing him or talking to him..getting him to talk is a nightmere because i dont want to feel like im imposing or being annoying in any way...so i just wait around driving myself crazy wondering if hes going to text me...but then harrass the shit out of my phone when he finally does

and its only been a couple of day...and after waking up this morning i have come to the conclusion that yea hes a great guy but if i have to leave myself guessing whether or not he cares...then this may be a dead end...its not like there arnt plenty of guys dying to take me out...and for heavens sake i dont even want to think about that right now...i just want Pat to care...but if not then, hey life will go on
wish me luck

All the Sadness as Faded

Its been a rough past year....but im finally getting my life together in the most fabulous way
As of today i have realized that i have left my past behind...for the first time in a long time...and i feel so alive and so relieved just to be me agian...i feel like my past love life has drained me, tied me down, and wiped me out...when in reality it needs to bring me up make me feel brand new agian...keep me guessing and most of all keep things interesting...and thats what i like about my life these days...its one big day to day surprise..and i just keep finding new things out
im happy to be less depressed and im so excited to become a part of this world in the realest of ways...i want to feel healthy and hopeful, beautiful and loved...and i can accomplish anything

theres a new boi in my life...and its just such a treat to meet such a guy that treats me with respect and it just really feels like im with a MAN for once in my life. we havnt even known eachother for a week and hes pretty much swept me off of my feet and into a whole new different and exciting world that i never knew existed
i feel like God is lifting me up and showing me the light...the kind of light that is forever shining in my heart after all the lessons have been learned and all there is left to do is love
and i know that i put my heart out there more then i should..and i wear it on my sleeve but i cant change...in fact its impossible for me to change the only thing i can do is get better at hiding my flaws...
Pat John Sedwick- Air Force MP May 27, 2010
I joined a dating website at the beginning of the week and low and behold he was the first one i messaged...minutes later we where having a conversation...an hour later we started texting eachother....tweleve hours later hes calling me while at work....and 24 hours later we are going to a movie and hes kissing me goodnight outside my door....three days later im thinking to myself "i could really see myself marrying this guy"
Downfall - he is deploying in 5 months (October) so what do i do? i stick around damnit! im strong enough for this...and if he continues to make me feel the way i do now...theres no doubt in my mind that i can withstand a 6 month deployment for him ;) after all he has truely shown me the way that i have always dreamed of feeling...and the time apart could even do us good...and as of the 27th we are officially dating..and today i come to you blog...telling you to prepare for millions of words and more...because this is going to be an awefully big adventure.

one day short of a month

Ive got a whole entire day under my belt...and all i can think of is "wow that was a fucking gay day" so who cares what everyone else thinks about Theron and I...what matters is just him and I..but what matters now is us being apart...yesterday i went to go and see him with no intention of walking out on him like i was forced to do...and now i cant see him for a whole terrible long and agonizing month... i hate it...i hate the thought of it...and i hate living it
i hate that he couldnt look me in the eyes and tell me that he wanted to be with be for sure
i hate that i cant make him as happy as i would like him to be
i hate so many things right now that im sitting alone in this dark room and thats been the story of my life for the whole entire day now...how pathetic...
i cant feel anything and there is no emotion left inside of me at this point...im alone and for the first time i feel like i would rather be alone then live the lie of Theron
he practically thru everything in my face...tore out my hope and dreams and trampled on them twice...i stress him out...he had the nerve to say that
and to be honest im just sitting here wishing that we could make love and leave...i just want to use him...
he rejected me yesterday...i walked out on him this time though...i got in the last word
and as he stood in front of my car i felt like i just wanted to punch everything...and throw a huge blown out tantrum...because he doesnt deserve to take what was left of my happiness and he doesnt deserve to make me cry anymore...no one does
so i yelled at him and i got in the last word and drove away...so he has to live with that memory
no more ring
no more texting
no more calling
no more of anything that is attached to the memory of him
if he wants me in his life...he will find a way to put me there
as for now ill do what i can to remind myself of whats important
...and soon enough he will realize whats important to him

over and out
((hurt enough to not even care))

You just stay where you are

...alone...all day...no one around...no one to say good morning too...no one to say good night too
so this is it...this is life without him...because he is gone and no one is worth talking with because hes not in my life anymore...and last night we said we would talk today, he has no interest, but to break me...and i cant handle that right now, i would rather stay puzzeled as to why this all is happening, then to know the truth at this moment
because at this moment i am extremely ill
i feel like im not only dieing inside, but my physical being cant take the pain of losing him
and im a master at playing off my feelings to the rest of the world, so im the only one who knows about how dark things are getting when im stuck here...in this room...by myself
i dont really care about what other people around me are thinking...because im hurt
because im sick
because when i needed Theron the most...he walked out on me agian...you would think thats a sign of having to let someone go...but when Theron walks out on me i crave him even more, all i can do is think of how to fix it...all i can do is listen to those sad songs that fill me with so much pain that it feels good to at least feel something...
and i want to change...even tho i would hate to change who i am...but if it means getting Theron back then its worth every effort
I had a dream last night about our wedding invitations...and how perfect they would look with the both of our names on it Theron + Taylor forever.

But reality isnt like that anymore...he goes to my best friend for everything...and here i am...hopeless...he wouldnt listen to me when we where together and that makes me feel like i was worthless...i just miss someone texting me that actually cared about me...i miss the way he would hold me from behind....so warm
...and he would be here right now...while im in this heartbreaking pain...and then maybe i would be healed faster if he was...but no...i managed to push him away agian...and all i do is sleep and pray that maybe today will be the day for answers....today will be the day he runs back to me with all the love he ever knew of
damnit im in soo much freaking pain right now it hurts to move...it hurts to exsist

I cant breathe

If there was one day when i needed Theron the most...its would have been today. I cant breathe...i cant feel my body, and im soo sick. Inhaling the smell of weed has killed my immune system, and i cant believe that i thought a bong was a vase until someone started putting their face on it. So here i am laying in bed...and i feel like im dying, i cant get up...i cant barely move. This week was a lesson...one big eye opening lesson. Emotions have been running at their highest and its time to let go. Im killing myself with all these hopeless memories. My phone is completely silent, and i think thats what gets to me the most, is that no one really cares anymore. I dont blame anyone for the sickness i feel inside. I just wish that Theron wouldnt have walked out on me, i wish he cared enough to fight. He is letting me go...and i suppose he wants me to do that same. My heart is considerably damaged by even the mere thought of him never being in my life agian. But i will do what he wishes, and i will respect his decisions. Because i cant change the world and be incontrol of everything. I long to be in the perfect relationship...but in the end Theron was the best i will have ever had, he treated me like a princess....he thinks im pretty without makeup...hes smart and handsome, and he care....he actually gives a damn
he took care of me...but he didnt take care of me today when i needed him the most...so this is fate...he isnt here...and he is letting me go...
so im letting this go...and is hurts like hell to write that, but it hurts like hell even more to picture Theron with any other gurl
but he deserves a less demanding relationship, and i deserve to be alone and i deserve to let everything go
but letting everything go...means being dead

Theron => I Love You