Old Moon

...maybe seeing new moon wasnt a great choice, and as Bella cried herself to sleep...screaming agianst nightmeres and waking up in tears, it brought back that painful memory of Matt...the one that i lie to myself about everyday...i always tell myself how better off i am but i just keep telling myself that lie...like somehow it might come true...but hes my Edward...the boi that left me except i know better...i know he didnt do it to protect me...Matt broke me because he didnt love me and i will never know why...i will never understand this dark place that he put me in...and as i fight this feeling...im still in this happy place...im climbing out of this deep hole where ive been dumped...ive always been better then this...ive always been smarter then this...i shouldnt of put my whole heart on the line in this situaton - but as i look back at this summer love i cant help but find the perfection in it - and Matt will always be my nightmere...the one that makes me cry...and i remember the depression and the scares he left on not only my heart but my wrist...because i had to break the promise i kept to him - its the only way i felt free...free of him...yet i cant help but think of the way his words used to keep my soul filled with the most amazing warm feeling...his voice, his laugh, his personality is perfect enough its not worth the lost - completely worth the tears...and gone forever
and thats wat i live with...and as i watched that movie i saw his face in my head...and then i look to my right and see my Jacob...Theron is always going to be there...so this is what the end is like...this is what its really like to lose something and not get it back...this is what its like to be forgiven and realize that Theron is the one that will always be around to fix the broken pieces of my devastated heart....
thats something to be thankful for

p.s. He is really gone now...

End of the Nightmere

So heres November 2009...just rolling along, and how numb this passing time becomes...and it seems the weather outside freezes my heart...and theres is this undying hope that unthaws its cold dead beat...and gives me life agian____the kind of reviving breathe that you get when the wind has been knocked out of your lungs
and he is that relief, the sign of Gods forgiveness - so im blessed with this time left unfilled only to fill it with words for God and tell him how sorry i am...how blind ive become...how i need him to open my heart...light a fire so it can never be frozen agian
...and as i stood there in church i realize how selfish i have been...i walked down a path so empty and dark - i finally reached the end - the end is the way that this boy holds my hand...its how he had the courage to take my hand ((and he wont be perfect and i understand)) but he is like a masterpiece compelteing my own work of art...as the quiet sets in all he wants is my undying love...i feel his touch and wonder just how long until he breaks my heart...but as i stood in church i felt as though nothing surrounded me ((no pain...no love...no hurt)) just life...God whispers in my ear and i turn to my side and there he is worshiping the Lord...i smile that unforgettable smile...blessed to be a part of his life...blessed to have him in mine...and he helps my healing heart - i feel safe agian - the most gracious part in it all is that God is involved this time...maybe this means i get more time...more time to love...less time to have loss...a better chance at perminance in my heart....a grasp at holding onto an unbreakable faith

*Lyle Dean Rogers* October 2009

Febreze

>>> if there is one thing in my life that i couldnt help it was putting that razor to my wrist...with no understanding of the long term damage i have created this far down the road...no intention on it becoming this great addiction that i can fall into and never fall out of...its a part of my life...(5 years)
and thats just it - i am COMPLETELY lost - and i forgot to be happy and i dont know how to be happy, maybe this is it - the excitement of life dies out and we become numb....when all the experience adds up you end up being this empty human being with no more roads to walk - no more new experiences to feel - and so many questions are left un answered and if someone could read my mind maybe someone could make sense of all this pain that just exists inside of me...but all i hear are the simple words " i dont understand " so am i left to understand only myself? how can i ever help who i am? and even when someone is here to take my hand i cant help but some what feel that i dont deserve this...that ive messed up so much in my life that i should never be happy...i took away so many other peoples happiness that i cant bare to be happy myself...i feel like a heart breaker...unintentional - unavoidable - its who i have become.

im sick, i am sick and there is no cure for how ill my sickness makes me...and i will die one day and i wont be suprised or discouraged to find out that im dying alone...when ive pushed everyone away...when i gave up who i was - i used to be so unbelievably unbroken...where did this come from?
and there i am at night...pitch dark...crying...my phone on silent my ipod on high...and im crying.. why am i crying? i want to feel safe - i want to feel appreciated - i want to be skinny - i want to be healthy - i want to loved - and i want to be smart - i want to have fun - i want to get out of this God forsaken dorm room and live the college life - but what is the college life without the alcohol and the drugs?

why cant we just go back to when we where in high school...when every feeling was completely new and every moment was a moment to die for .... i love somebody ... and somebody loves me.. and i will stop crying one day...

but for now... i am completely lost

Morals vs Ethics

...and to have a huge heart that cant always forgive and forget - hurts...its a painful feelings with a loss of breathe my chest is tight with the regretful feeling of losing you...alone maybe not in reality but in my mind there is this empty space and not a word out of my mouth to you can change the situation anymore - you no longer exist to hold my hand thru all the rough times and the thru all of the happy times...i walk alone as i walk im looking around at all the people - walking towards me is this couple...and the gurl she has this sparkle in her eye as she look up to her boi...and he looks down at her with the most intent listening i have ever seen a male posses....she smiles as she talks - and he smiles as he listens....hand and hand they are conquering the world together ... hand in hand they dont let eachother walk alone...and i smile at the concept and long for the ability to feel the warmth of a moment like that...the warmth of HIS hand holding mine - whoever HE is -
...and i fall short but how am i falling...will someone tell me my flaws so i continue to fix myself - everyday im fixing myself from the broken down wreck i became...to someone worth loving..and when will i stop pushing away the love and falling into rage

fairytales are real i can feel it in my heart and all around
i just cant wait until i can stop writing about my heartbreak in my blogs and start writing my fairytale ending

soon enough

Ranch With My Pizza

Prince Charming...what happened to fairytale romance...and gentlemen like conduct??? And i miss Theron a whole bunch...and i wish he would dig his head out of the whole of "patching relationships up" phase David wont ever fucking change i guarentee that much...and i can honestly tell you that ive tried to see the good in him once more, and well it dosnt exist...its quite the concept really...he has no heart, no feelings, just rage....he is soul less...and Theron _ GOD DAMNIT your stronger then this, your better then him, and i swear my life would mean more if you where in it... but i cant help it when im the one who pushed you away...but you understood me...you where the first person to hold me back from self harm..you gave a flying fuck and thats what eats at me on a daily basis...i still think i can be with Matt for no good reason other then i broke up with you to be with him...and thats not a good enough reason he was never really that special...not like you...not like us...we have more then enough in common to conquer this world...and when it comes to the end of the day you where the only boi in my life that ever took care of me...and now i just wear my mood ring like its no bodies business...cause its my little reminder of you...and how much you made me laugh...and how silly me and you where together... we are like the craziest people i kno!...well im slightly challeneged mentally - we kind of both are really....anyways i fucking went thru hell to contact you the other day, and now i feel super bad about it - cause you never really told me how much it was hurting you to be friends...you just kind of left me - and we all know how well i deal with people leaving me..i just wish i could RAWR at you over texting agian...i just want to RAWR! :( but i get it...i really do...just promise me your out there being my favorite t-pot in the whole world! K? kkk.....miss you and love you always

Purple Highlighter

Ive been avoiding the blogger for alomst a month now...it sits in the back of my mind and i guess im finally ready to move tit forward...write about the past month as best as i can...Matt still has an insane amount of power over me...he cannot stop texting me especailly in my down points throughout the day...he catches me off guard and he wont leave me alone....so what do i do...i fucking fall for him agian! Seriously will someone just save me already? I hung out with him this past friday...the first since he broke my heart, and it was amazing we had our old time laughs and i just looked into his eyes and i cant forget how passionate i am about him. He told me that he wants me to get over him...but at the same time he dosnt....and im the type to hold onto the words that give me the most hope...so in my mind all i can think of is how to not be over him. Last night he told me that the potential to get back together exists...only we have to start off friends...he claimes that its too hard to be with me...what i dont understand is how it was so easy to give up everything to be with him, yet he cant find the initiative to feel the same...but instead the exact opposite. And when i go to sleep he haunts my dreams, but since i hung out with him the dreams have subsided and i feel like i can breath agian, but this stress still exists, one where i long for him day in and day out. I just want him to kiss me like he used too, hold me like there is no one else in the entire world. I cant get enough of him, but im not sure how much longer i can wait for him to come around and take my hand...why do i have to wait on someone who broke my heart...? where is his undying love?

Nick Turnbull - Has a way with words....he wants to marry me...not right away but i have to find a way to Australia now...i dont think its possible...he asked some gurl to marry him and she said no....so of course im the only one who is ever going to stick around in his life cause i see the good in people...so he comes crying to me....then deletes me out of his life and the second i tell him that i would marry him...he is on the other line on my phone telling me everything i want to hear and more...his commitment has never existsed all he can see is how pretty i am...and yah im different but am i good enough for him...hes amazing yet he has his imperfetions...so what the hell am i supposed to do now? life is just twisting and turing...and all i want is a perminant love...one everlasting and true...then things would loss there stress and i could breathe agian

p.s. Annahelle moved her ass out ;) fuck yah

100% Cotton...Dorm Life

I'm Vice Chair of the Ladies and Gentlmen Society....we aim to teach and practice courtesy, courage, compassion, chivarly, and courtliness. How the hell did i get dragged into this? Im like the farthest from a lady as they come...im exremely perverted not to mention unclassy and only well mannered when neccessary....other then that this is a huge challenge...i kinda of have to laugh cause i brought this all upon myself...it should be quite interesting to see what the turn out is. But im mostly interested in the impact of helping guys and girls better understand each other, and hopefully bring back chivarly, evey gurl deserves to be treated right...and this could be the beginning of breaking the stero type of the "college hook up"...ive already been hurt and its been like three weeks...guys are bastards in my opinion. I hope i can teach gurls to treat guys better and hopefully tip them off to unacceptable behavior when inteacting with the opposite sex. Ballroom dancing should be an awefully big adventure...also sitting up straight is going to be a big change on my part. So far its all coming together...only thing to do now is hope that we can make a big enough impact to stay around...and hopefully recruit more people willing to change it up a bit so we can all stop acting like horny teenagers ;)

Energy Shot

how do you go about forgiving someone who literally tore your whole world apart?...how do you even stand talking to the boi who picked up and gave up on you the second things got hard...the second another gurl looked his way...how do you read his words saying "you where right"..and "no one could ever love me like you did"...so im stuck between this crossroad of trying to anaylize his evey words and contemplate how to handle this situation...ive moved on i really have so what makes him have this insane power to change my mind about him? he hurt me shouldnet that be enough to walk away from his realized failure? and i cant believe the position ive found myself in...i never would of thought he would ever say those words...i never would have guessed his intentions...maybe he got hurt, or maybe he really did care about me...what made him come back? whats making me want to even think about how we once laughed...held each other all thru the night....he is just this amazing boi with this beautiful smile and this crazi sense of humor...now all thats left in my mind is the questions...should i forgive him? how long will we last if i do? what will make a second chance different? and how will i trust him? huge questions that i have to answer myself based on his actions
or i could easily move on to a sweet compassionate boi...that is willing to take my hand and would do his best not to hurt me...
whats is going to be this time...whos going to win...

Ungrateful Let Down

You dont really know anyone good enough until you are spending day after day living around them. I swore that i knew what i was getting myself into, i swore i knew how to handle the ups and downs, the fights, the arguments....but what its come down to is the slow burning up of my self-esteem. I feel like i cant be good enough, that i never live up to the expectations set...and i aim to have fun, make mistakes and learn, i find myself contradiciting my actions, my words every now and then. I cant help it im human, i cant help if im not the cream of the crop, or the most value oriented person. I am who i am, and my best friend should except that, i shouldnt feel like im not good enough everyday...not like i did when i lived at home. So what im a terrible human being...im doing what i can to make emotional ends meet, im doing what i can to recover from the shocks and grief life throws in my face. I end up making some choices im not proud of but how else am i supposed to learn? and i dont need to be singled out, i just need to live and be loved. I just need to be accepted, i need to feel like fun is ok agian, and that i have a right to be respected. I shouldnt feel like i have to self inflict pain to my wrist everytime i am dissapproved of...the strong sensation of self mutilating rings with every thought when i cant grasp reality and hold on to happiness. Where did everything become so messed up? Whos really worth trusting anymore, who is really real? when will we all just learn to get along? i just want everyone to get along.

Lost Cause - Dorm Life

...and has she laughed in my face my respect for her chokes...hesistates, then commits suidcide. So take your pride and run, because you have just made your life hell. All she has is this pedistal of eye rolling and immature words. Once agian my room mate as proved to me that she is capable of taking my hate one step further. Im easy to forgive and a master mind at forgetting, but she tattoos my memory with the most selfish of actions, and the most inconsiderate words. Her face becomes twisted in my mind...and i manipulate it into this ugly beast, one i cant beat...but will always push back with my undenialble skill at putting together the most scarring of words. Comprimise is inevitable....but denying your own mistakes is pitifull. So i hope she drowns in her own self inflicting actions, she can never break down what i have built up...she hardly effects my thoughts at all.

Hope to God You'll Survive the Morning

Its the most sickening feeling...of twisted doubt and freezing faith. When you go to sleep you dream and then wake up to realize nothing has changed, im still not in the happy...over the rainbow mood...nothing seems worth randomly smiling about. This harsh life has become this meaningless black hole of lost self esteem and a continuously questioning heart. And my heart is not whole, and now i wonder on the initial impact of morning who is going to change that? this emptiness inside has yet to be filled, and i sit here in complete silence thinking about what i could do today to somehow fill this void. And what gets at me now is i dont want to live in the dorms anymore, i dont want to live with my best friend, i want to be alone. I look in the mirror and i become displeased with my image, i become fake....and my eyes they are filled with this undying passion...one i cant fufill...because im to captivated by dissapointment. Im not her. I am me. But what have i ever done in this world? why does it always come back to the unanswered questions? i thought love could overcome everything, but its a completely different life when the love is slowly fading...and the physical takes over the emotinol. I want to laugh again...i want the lies to end...i want the power to love myself...and i want the drive to be successful...today is what i want...tomorrow will be too late.

The Breakdown

...he put me on the train tracks...and i was just standing there all alone looking in both directions...anticipiating wat was going to happen, what was bound to come next...and thats where he continued to put me....and i was waiting....waiting on the train to come and end what was left of this torn relationship...and the train - it was slow...and it made stops along its path...then, this morning, it finally hit me...stopping my heart before the intial impact...and now im left with the relapse of pain....and it hurts so bad and so good all at the same time, so bad because i should of been more like her....so good because maybe this is the final step...now that the train has wiped away his memory i should be ok right? i should forget...i should remember how bad it hurt to see her...how much more it breaks my heart to see the comments she leaves on his Facebook...whatever happen to us...i thought he was happy?....and the perfect memory of him that i created now withers into hell....it becomes so dark, so cold for my thoughts to touch on, and i become weak at my knees wondering where i went wrong. But as i look up from there...this oblivion of hope sneaks thru the darkest clouds of this raging storm, and maybe he was made of denial...and i was made to love, but the only thing stopping me from giving my life one last shot is his picture and her...so they have been deleted and i hope to God he stays that way in my life...forever...i dont deserve to be in pain anymore

Fearless

So i have come to the conclusion that i have not lost my touch...guys like me...they talk to me, tell me im cute, share intrests with me, hang out with me, etc....but when am i ever going to be good enough to be the gurl that one guy cant live without? and this is what the battle between love and life is...its finding that balance...the one where he becomes reliable, caring, outgoing, and compassionate...all the things that i am capable of doing in a relationship. Yet it seems that they all fall short of something...one minute i think i just found Prince Charming...the next im being ignored and wonder why i even liked him in the first place...and ive become this person of no tolerance....if im not getting what i want i wont comprimise like i once used to....if he is displeasing to me i wont back down and let it go...i will move on until im the one be serenaded with attention, until im the one he cant be without...until he holds my hand to show every other gurl that im the one close to his heart. What does it take to be perfect? i have this huge heart with this never ending gift of giving back....i adore people who make me laugh...and i can hold a good conversation for hours...i have the ability to anything i set my mind too....where did i fall short...what is it going to take to make someone love me? whatever happened to love? ive mentioned before that love has become fear...but im fearless...therefore i have the capability to love uncondionally....and im willing to put that out there...and fine i have standards i admit that, but i would give up a lot for love in return. Gods greatest gift is love. He gave us the ability to love...so what makes love so wrong these days? where did commitment go? i suppose it drowned in the sea of gorgeous gurls...seems like that sea swallows a lot of good things these days....a sea of gurls has recently ended my two previous relationships....causing my so called boifriend to pick another gurl...leaving me with the comment..."i should have been more like her" even in the relationships where i havent been dumped there was always a gurl that concerned me...but i cant be anyone but myself...so do guys really exsist that want to be in a commited, loving relationship and honestly dont look at other gurls? and i suppose the thought comes to mind that we are too young...well i hope anyone who thinks that chokes on that thought cause its bullshit...i have enough experience at 18 to write a book on what to do and what not to do in a relationship...i could easily point out major failures of relationships and easy fixes for relationships...i could even give you an outline of a working relationship. Digressing from how smart i think i am...i am single...havnt been for long...but still im alone. I will however share a bit of detail on how this subject came about and how i am dealing with it. I like a guy....suprise suprise...and actually i am quite suprised on how fast i relapsed from my heartbreak which occured only weeks ago....this guy lives here in the dorms...not far away at all. I find that to be convient, we met last friday night after a soccer game, he had been room hoping and left his number on our whiteboard hung outside our door. I was the first one back to the dorm and the first one to take the number off the board and text him. He came around a bit later with his room mates and we chilled. At first he didnt seem anything special....but as he continued to speak...i began to get to know him better and better....he seemed sweet, fun, and cute. Him and his room mates stuck around for quite a while and it was really fun getting to know them all. They eventually left and i continued to text him...he came over later...this time alone...and yes there was some lip action. For a guy i met probably 5 hours in advance i was suprised that i made out with him...o well...it was worth it. So how could i be falling for him now all of a sudden? it hasnt even been a full week....i tend to read people very quickly, i can understand there intentions and somehow put them all together to create who they are...we have continued texting almost non-stop since the night we met...ive spent the night at his dorm and we shared multiple meals together. We have honestly hung out a lot in my opinon...between school and him going to work,,,,so whats the problem here? the problem here is that he is completely into me when we are alone/ with just his room mate...but when we are out and about on campus he will walk in front of me ( which i find extremely offensive ), hardly conversate with me...and wave at random gurls....fine i cant be jealous cause it hasnt been that long...but seriously do i really deserve to be lead on? so my actions now are vague....i am outraged by his behavior at lunch...he sat completely away from me and didnt even look at me or talk to me once....i put a lot into my last relationship...i gave a lot up for him and i gave a lot to him...now looking back that seems foolish...so with this new crush i have a different mind set...nothing will be given up for the sake of being with him until he can prove worthy otherwise....i will not text him after his outrageous behavior at lunch...i will not be jealous towards his contact with any other gurl...and i will not care (not become heartless)...if he is worth my time then he will prove it eventually...he will find a way to be with me...but i wont walk down a one way street agian ...i refuse to be foolish and vulnerable...i have a lot to give...but i will only give it to the guy who proves he wants it.

Getting Along...Dorm Life

I love Green Day...and really i dont care what other people's opinion is...if i did i would ask...but i NEVER ask...yet people think that they can tear me apart with what the believe...sorry if this bursts anyones bubble but didnt anyone ever listen to the cute little bunny mom in Bambi...if you cant say something nice then dont say anything at all...fine fine fine im a rare case thats only likes their new stuff that...but under no circumstance does that make me stupid, retarded, or emo. In fact if people would just take down their level of cockiness and give it a chance they might find that they enjoy it. Oooo the concept of human nature is appauling to me...somedays i just cant figure it out...and other days its just too damn predictable. I would just like to define the definition of obsessed vs passionate...obsessed - to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings or desires of a person...passionate - having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling. So let me now take the time to apply those defintions into how i feel about Green Day...Green Day does not dominate my thoughts if they did i would be pro Obama...and that is not OK with me....also i would be a drug addict, alocoholic nobody...i would have dropped out of high school like Billie told me at his recent concert, and sold my body for sex...i would also be a rock n roll addict. I have a passion for Green Day, their musik has the ability to over take my emotion when i listen to it...and it enhances my feelings, their musik is a genius work of art and i support them by buying their merchandise...not to mention Billie just happens to be a great peice of eye candy...so now that i have explained the actual situation of how i feel about Green Day everyone can now refrain from using the word obsessed...uneccessary and incorrect by all means.

Moderation

...and finally August ends...a month filled with parties, love, heartbreak, new beginnings, and rough endings. It put me in a place of doubt, one where i would rather not look back at this month...it showed me how quickly things can change....how out of nowhere your whole life can alter and your stuck walking down a completley different path then what you anticipated. I put my whole heart out there on the line....it was broken....but then i gathered the strength to pick up the pieces...now all thats left is repairing the damage. Right now my feelings are indifferent, it was a mildly quick relapse and i realize now how many people care about me...its just letting go of the boi that i wanted to care for me...but he dosnt....this leaves me in a difficult position....one where moving on is the only option, because to dwell on him would be a waste of the time i so desperatley need to fill with happiness and love. And all i ever needed in life was someone who would do anything to make me laugh...and nothing to make me cry, someone who appreciates how caring i am...how much i have to offer. Love is life and the moral majority are afraid of the word love...love is then defined as fear...and yes when you fall in love your putting your heart out there...potentially to be broken...but the potential to be loved back its so much greater then the pain...and i would endure the most painful of heartbreaks as long as someone loved me with all there heart at one point or another. You have to realize that time may heal...but its the people around you that make your heart heal faster...its the happiness you share with even a stranger...and the happiness between you and your best friend....its the quick smiles and the short hello that can pull you up from the deepest darkest hole. Life is about putting your heart at risk...smilling at the little things...and making as many friends as you can...its the journey of a life time i would rather share it with everyone i know then on my own.

Deepest Cut

Alone...its the definition of failure in my life. I found myself last night sitting alone, and thats when the most haunting thoughts run through my mind. I cant help but reflect on the failures that lead me to be in the postion of feeling so lonely...and i cant quite bring myself to move on...and i push away potential relationships because in the back of my mind nothing ever replaces what i once had. Everyone compares...gets compared...we all do it...most of the time we dont even realize the crime against humanity that we commit...because in reality there is no one standard we can compare against. There is no right there is not wrong...only the societal standard that has been set....what accounts us to follow this standard?... obviously its a moral majority thing, where we feel obligated to follow. The deepest cut ever made is the one that takes away a part of my optimism...the one that makes the blood run continuosly without a hesitant stop. Because it wasnt enough to just be who i am...i wasnt the expectation that he set....i wasnt her, and i cant help that, and i cant help being heartbroken over what i wasnt...something is bound to come along to give me strength to heal the deep cuts...the open wounds...the battle scars will show
its a gentle reminder of the walls that have been built
and the love i so desperatly need to feel...

Dodgeball....Dorm Life

Dodgeball- objective...throw balls at people while dodgeing them on your own account....my objective...dodge everything and stand there, dont touch a ball on any account. My objective works for the most part im pretty good at that dodgeing thing...unfortunately this leaves me the last one standing the majority of the time...and thats when the epic "lets throw all the balls at the helpless blonde gurl at once"...so yes my technique isnt the best...but maybe they should call the sport dodge and throw ball....at least i looked cute right?

The Unexplainable...Dorm Life

Dont ask questions about the unknown substances that magically appear in the sink that you share with three other gurls potentially more as some "other" people wander in and out of our living space... just trust me on this concept...Lysol that shit and clean it up and hopefully you can wash the memory of the exsistence of whatever was in that sink. I regret to inform you that you dont want to know everything in the world...because some things are just not worth knowing and are thoughts better off laid to rest for the remainder of your life span...i bid you goodnight until tomorrow.

The Majic of XTC...Dorm Life

Im not sure exactly what drugs shes on...but then agian my room mate may be on all of them, alcoholic....drug abusing...loud mouth, and maybe i have a lack of a better description but all these words add up to equal a inconsiderate bitch. Calling her out is a waste of breathe shes stuck in a mind set of running her own life...following no authority...the freedom of college is an earned right...and is should be fun....but should it spill over with substance abuse and fake friends who believe in altering what you believe as an indiviual? ive worked my way up from the day i walked into preschool up until they handed me a diploma for completing high school. This is my time to build up a better education...spend hours on end developing a greater sense of knowledge...and all my room mate can do is be a selfish home schooled brat...throwing away her oppourtunities to a whole new world of alcoholic binges and pot smoking circles. Fuck being handed ur dreams and throwing it away to partying and giving in to peer pressure. Im here for a reason...a reason to gain control over my life. A better understanding of achieveing a much higher success then just a working class hero. My sleepless nights caused by her obnoxious voice and tendency of slamming doors will not add to my greater good of climbing up the business ladder. If i could shoot her in the face i would....not with a gun...not with anything lethal...but the most guilt tripping of words...the words that will have her falling through holes of regret and waking up to the sweet stench of failure.
I will give her the benefit of the doubt...she was a sheltered child...but really its rather the chance of a lifetime...she most likely had a better education, public school can influence a teenage mind negatively. She is majoring in chemistry...so where the hell does she find this time to break herself down and feed into a college stereotype? theres not enough time in the world to compensate for time wasted with foul behavior....the kind she so generously demonstrates :0 Thanks to her i know what not to do in college to be a success....

It's Not a Suprise...If It Breaks Your Heart

My weakness is the fear of being alone...I have a tendency to have an overkill thinking process that will eventually corrupt my state of mind, and i am left hopless, terrified, fearful, and displeased with life. I hate being alone. It's not the type of dieases where i can never be alone, its the type where if i dont get enough attention, affection, and reassurence i could potentially stop breathing...
Beyond my mild imperfection, im average...but if you keep in mind my weakness its easier to follow my story to understand why its not the easiest road to walk...

Matthew DeLaurell
6-14-2009...8-13-2009
Putting every memory, every moment spent with him together in my mind seems impossible...and it all becomes so real in my imagination and its like it never ended...its like he never gave up.
....and i gave up what i had for him, because what do u do when you've found the love of your life but you've already setteled for what you thought was love? You do what i did...you gather up all the strength you have to let go of that person...because it wasnt fair and i know (Theron) it wasnt fair. I knew it had to be done if not then...eventually...you cant love someone when your hearts with someone else. So there he was...Matthew...i had just started a new job, and suprise suprise he was my co-worker. I worked hard...not to show off, but because thats the nature of my being. If im going to put time into something i might as well put my whole effort in and do the best i can. I did just that. Matt had caught me off guard completely swept off my feet, i always felt something different with him, this deep connection of unexplainable happiness. He has this passion in his eyes...this powerful love for the way he lived his life. His smile was everlasting and sincere, everytime he looked at me i saw this in him. He had the ability to make me forget how cruel the world could be...and for a moment nothing was wrong because he was right there....right there next to me. Matt was optimistic...with this crazy talent of having something to say that always made me laugh. Two days at work and we hung out that friday night....i knew i had him then...he had me at hello :)
He had a 2009 Scion...i think we decided the color was eggplant....he loved driving in fact the only time i remeber driving was when his parents took away his car...yes his parents grounded him at the ripe age of 20 going on 21. He listened to the most high beat...crazy intense techo hard trance whatever he wanted to call it musik....and i enjoyed it....mostly because he knew every beat...every word by heart...and he would light up along with the musik, the look on his face is still a bullet in my brain....priceless
...and he held me...when i was sad...when i was excited...but the main point is he held me...close, the most comforting touch i could ever imagine. What i miss the most is the way he held my hand...i never felt alone when he held my hand...and he would just hold on when we walked anywhere together...sometimes even in the car or just sitting around....he held my hand like he held my heart.
We didnt have money...shit we worked for $7.47 an hour...yet we found a way to entertain ourselves that went beyond money...like board games...hes way competative in fact he almost cried once when i kiked his butt at bowling...beside that...he was great a monopoly and he did own me in that game. He loved walking around....so we would just walk hand in hand and nothing else in the world mattered.
His parents had a tendency to rip us apart...he would get grounded for God knows what every now and agian...and i wouldnt mind the days i couldnt see him...but somehow it ate at both of us...he would get frustrated when i was busy and couldnt make time to see him...and i would get frustrated with his parents and how unreasonable they where...this lead to numerous fights among us....which later on turned into a deal breaker for him
His birthday was fun...i spent forever trying to come up with the perfect gift...im still not sure if he really liked what i came up with...i never got to see him wear that adoarble black button up that i got him...

Then came the day i had to leave for Iowa...we had been having a rough spot in our relationship but i mean come on who dosnt have rough spots? ... i had been nagging at him because he went to go see Harry Potter for the third time with a friend...and i obviously wanted to see him before i left to see my Grandfather who had just been diagnosed with cancer and was having surgery...he left me hanging...i overreacted from the stress...but sorry didnt mean anything to him this time....sorry didnt fix it...my last night of work before the morning i had to leave, he came and explained to me that he was tired of us fighting and that maybe we werent as compadable as we thought...and that was the last time i saw him
We didnt break up right then and there...instead he was left to decide what he really wanted to do...the fate of our relationship left up to him...i left that following morning dreding every moment and every second of the thought of life without him....
We didnt talk for sometime...although i did get texts from multiple people that he had been hanging out with the gurl in floral and making her dinner...obviously things were not going the way i wanted them to...that gurl slept over at his house that night...and i cried myself to sleep
I called him later the next day he assured me nothing had happened between him and this other gurl. I ignored it...not wanting to start another fight knowing that i was losing him already...a couple days later during a prayer group for my grandfather and his surgery he let me go...he had his reasons,,,and it hurt like hell
You never realize how much someone means to you unitl there gone...i wasnt expecting him to just give up on everything that we had...walk away without a good reason...i loved him and i should of said it...but i was waiting on him....waiting for him to feel it too...i lost that oppourtunity to be in love agian...i miss him so much...and i learned to never fall too hard...and always tell someone when you love them...cause you may lose that chance down the road