Theron

I saw two Comanches in the past week or soo...you wont believe the one i saw im Manitou it was huge!! I took a picture on my phone...because it made me feel like maybe you would appreciate the life we once lived and the way i cared about you.
This Comanche was in hella good shape too! Wish you could have been there to see it...
I saw another one driving down the interstate...not anything special...but to me it signified a time in my life where i was extremely lucky to be loved by you
You taught me so much
...and no one can take away the memories of you and I...me laying in your lap while you drove...attempting to teach me stick...all those times at the junk yard
and i just feel extremely blessed to have lived a part of my life with you...and i accept the things that remind me of you, and i smile and i move along with my day
...because you should only be remembered as the boi who changed my life, opened my heart, and really set a standard for the type of guy that i would like to have in my life
So while i still feel like calling you everytime i see an extraordinary looking VW...or a good looking Comanche...ill always remember in my heart that i wouldnt want to ask anyone else in the world about cars...only you
:) everyday is a new battle, but its a battle im willing to fight
i can finally feel agian and im exploring the world in a whole new different perspective
i hope everyday you wake up and smile about our past together...and just be happy
this is life
and its the only one we where given to live
you are truely a part of me forever and always
and i hope you remember that....
Love is Our Only Reality

...Today

I feel like im a recovering alocholic...like everyday from today is going to be this huge emotionl and physical battle between my mind and body...like everyday i have to go to my own AA meeting and convince myself that the life i left behind is never worth returning to because so many where hurt and broken by my behavior...including myself...

but i really wasnt that screwed up was i?

...and what would you to for the people you care about?? how far would you go in order to change to be a better person...to impress yourself and everyone else??
i feel like the majority of people want to change...but never truely believe in themselves...or they change but they fall back into old habits...

and ive been to both sides of the specturm...and i finally had a good day yesterday where i feel like i accomplished alot and i feel like i beat a good amount of my initial fears...because i no longer let HIM hold me back anymore...i let God back into my life...and i pleased myself with my behavior and habits throughout the day

i know people never change...they just get better at hiding their faults...so here i am desperately hiding my faults...and everyday is going to be a new battle agianst them...but we all have to fight agianst something...and im choosing my battles and taking my guard agianst them with all my heart, strength, and drive

i believe i can do anything

Life is about Living

so i went to bed last night...feeling like i struggle with a lot of addictions and im willing to take my own advice this morning
today im going to be a different person...im going to live a different life with a more fufilling outlook and just in general do more for others then myself!
this life is a one time oppourtunity to life, laugh, and love...and maybe love dosnt have to require someone else right now

i want to feel like im doing this whole world right when i wake up in the morning...i want to feel less guilty...and more deserving of things
i miss my religion - my faith in God, He has always carried me thru - even when i fall

i should be a little more adventurous and a lot more outgoing

theres a balance, and i know that im strong enough to find it and passionate enough to continue living my life in a pleasing manner

its all a mind set and im going to prove to people that strength to become whoever you want to be comes from within

Dear God,
Thank You

If today i fail to change...

I am very much out of control...and i know i have the inner strength to fix myself...the business major in me feels like i need to plan every second of every moment of my life out in order to prevent the mass chaos that i find myself in

so today im taking the time to take a step back and plan...plan out the next two weeks of my life and really put my life into perspective
i have to stop living like i want to die
just because love walked out of my life and is not coming back dosnt mean my whole world should suffer

i can be a big gurl about this...i can pick myslef up off the floor, wipe my eyes, and look at myself in the mirror and remember how beautiful i am
because the boi that broke me dosnt deserve to continuously hurt me
i cant let him have me anymore
its really been a rough year...but i want to be a person of high standards and morale value by the time i turn twenty
i believe that i owe it to myself to make a mark on this world and accomplish the goals that i literally dream about

and i will surround myself with healthy prospects
i will ask God to take a bigger part of my life into his hands
i will rely on myself for strength and reliability
i am who i create myself to be...i can be whoever i choose
and because i am not fully happy with where i am now...a change needs to take place and thats exactly what i will do

no more past
no more tears
no more regrets
no more fears

Playing Your Dredful Game

3OH!3 - R.I.P



Jeremy McComb - This Town Needs A Bar



Danielle Peck - I Don't



Lifehouse - It Is What It Is

Waiting around...agian

fuck my life i wrote a whole gawd dam paper for Theron and his fucking teacher liked his version better...thats fine i was sick of wasting my FLIPPING TIME TYRING TO MAKE HIM CONTENT WITH LIFE ANYWAYS>>>WOWOWOWOWOW wat a fucking waste
when am i going to learn to stop helping people that hurt me....i have a serious issue that should be resolved at some point because its obviously not working out for my retarded ass
screw this....screw it hard and loud
i havnt done a whole lot in the past couple days...ive been banshing myself to the dark abyss that i call my room...with the windoew covered in black
and i make myself live with depression because i know better
i know that you make yourself feel the way that you do and i could change it at any moment
but im choosing not to
i want to feel the lonliness...the emotional pain...because then at least i know im feeling something
...what a piss off
i should really learn how to please myself before i start pleasing others...this is just getting ridiculous

Vision

beginning of another month...i cant wait till August...GREEN DAY CONCERT how bad ass there is nothing that is going to stand in between Billie and I...we where meant to make lovely, magical, beautiful...umm cupcakes ;)
I have a test in about thirty minutes but about 6 minutes to kill....thats 6 minutes that i can talk about how im not dating anymore...and i want to dont get me wrong...but i also would rather eat the hottest peppers ever grown then deal with another assssssshhhhoooolllleee....seriously tho guys are made of sex....so im good for a while...im just guna be the blondie lil chick thats obsessed with Green Day and skool...sounds pretty much perfect to me

oo and im going to burn 3000 calories a week just for the hell of it! hahahahahahahaha INCLINE PREPARE FOR MY BAD ASS BEHAVIOR

My Heart is in London

- this is my heart....and it needs to be in London
Last Night - so i have the funniest joke ever...three of my exes are at a party....thats it, well i thought it was funny
until i came to the realization that im a complete slut/whore/undateable human being
...i really dont like who ive become...and how i put myself out there like somehow Prince Charming exists....
i trust people way too easily....and i think about the future and im the kind of gurl that could fit in anyones life
but whos the type of guy that fits in my life???
so im giving up dating - im going to say no to those who offer...im going to ignore those you suggest...and im going to stop stressing over being afraid and alone
im giving all of those males up in order to find myself...who i am without everyone else
i know that i need to be a better person...i know i need to laugh more...stress less...and set myself up for more acheivements then failures
i need to stop thinking about the "what if" and start thinking about the here and now
i need to stop hurting myself with the past memeories of those who insisted on breaking my heart
because i used to be much prettier and in time i will be the untouchable
im not the give it up and give in gurl anymore...i wont kiss just because...and i refuse to have another male in my bed...and i refuse to be in any other males bed until i get treated like the Lady that i am
I left the dating websites behind...im sick of the pigs...the rude...and nasty self proclaimed gentlemens
i have so much more to offer then sexual favors...cute looks...and a rockin body
fuck the world...i have a mind of my own...an education im proud of...and a successful career to look forward too...i dont need a guy to pull and push me around...i dont need them to tell me who to be
i dont need to date to be happy...i dont need anyone to hold my hand...
i need myself...and London
because London always made me smile... <3

burned myself

...and i havent been writing because it heals me and i dont feel like being healed...but then i break in a huge and enourmous way...and then i just stop...i lost my faith agian, but this time im not crying on my knees for God to help me anymore because im starting to feel like thats an endless circle that keep on twisting around...and i cant make it stop...even to breathe for a second or two
i dont love anything anymore...i dont love anyone anymore...i dont love me...and i dont love this life...every feeling is numb and painful - except for the loneliness....that burns and feels sweet as hell
i kid myself - pretend that im alright and put on a show for the whole of the world...but in reality im dying inside...the thought of touching anymore guys makes me sick to my stomach....the thought of flirting and getting to know anyone else just seems time consuming and bothersome
Matt should not have left me....Theron deserved to leave me...and now that all the leaving has sunk in...i feel like ive left myself - like my soul is gone
i cant bring myself to go to the gym, or cook, and everytime i try to make myself do something fun it never lives up to my expectations...i just sit here cleaning my room like a child with a siginifigant problem with A.D.D.
i cant stand other people...i cant stand anything that remotely makes me uncomfortable...so i sit here in this room - the window covered in black just the way i like it and wallow in my own sorrow...and wonder if there is any dignity left in this world...
my dreams are all i have left...and i complete my school work in order to keep dreaming...that one day ill be far away from all the people i thought i knew...far away from a suffering society where sex, alcohol, and drugs rule...i just want to dance around in a pretty summer dress and feel like my heart is beating...im so dead...everything feels dead
what happened to me? ... whats happening to me?...
just when everything seems a bit brighter it starts getting covered in gray...i dont want to have fun anymore...because every fun moment ends up being a memory that i wish i could have back...but cant
...i need to bleed...

this is the bored blog

i have been locked out of the other building that im supposed to be inconviently moving into today...because UCCS has issues beyond all hopes of help
so i decided since all my shit is packed and ready to be moved that i needed to just fucking blog about whats been going down the past couple of days
i feel - ignored, underappreciated, ditched, not good enough, unworthy, and any other description that falls under the category of not feeling like someone cares
its Pat - he just hasnt been talking to me lately and im wondering now that maybe falling so fast wasnt a good idea after all...he is supposed to come and help me move today so we will see if he even remembers thats...i feel like he dosnt want to see me at all..but then agian i tend to make up my own reality in some cases.
i have really taken a liking to this guy...but i have not taken a liking to going days without seeing him or talking to him..getting him to talk is a nightmere because i dont want to feel like im imposing or being annoying in any way...so i just wait around driving myself crazy wondering if hes going to text me...but then harrass the shit out of my phone when he finally does

and its only been a couple of day...and after waking up this morning i have come to the conclusion that yea hes a great guy but if i have to leave myself guessing whether or not he cares...then this may be a dead end...its not like there arnt plenty of guys dying to take me out...and for heavens sake i dont even want to think about that right now...i just want Pat to care...but if not then, hey life will go on
wish me luck

All the Sadness as Faded

Its been a rough past year....but im finally getting my life together in the most fabulous way
As of today i have realized that i have left my past behind...for the first time in a long time...and i feel so alive and so relieved just to be me agian...i feel like my past love life has drained me, tied me down, and wiped me out...when in reality it needs to bring me up make me feel brand new agian...keep me guessing and most of all keep things interesting...and thats what i like about my life these days...its one big day to day surprise..and i just keep finding new things out
im happy to be less depressed and im so excited to become a part of this world in the realest of ways...i want to feel healthy and hopeful, beautiful and loved...and i can accomplish anything

theres a new boi in my life...and its just such a treat to meet such a guy that treats me with respect and it just really feels like im with a MAN for once in my life. we havnt even known eachother for a week and hes pretty much swept me off of my feet and into a whole new different and exciting world that i never knew existed
i feel like God is lifting me up and showing me the light...the kind of light that is forever shining in my heart after all the lessons have been learned and all there is left to do is love
and i know that i put my heart out there more then i should..and i wear it on my sleeve but i cant change...in fact its impossible for me to change the only thing i can do is get better at hiding my flaws...
Pat John Sedwick- Air Force MP May 27, 2010
I joined a dating website at the beginning of the week and low and behold he was the first one i messaged...minutes later we where having a conversation...an hour later we started texting eachother....tweleve hours later hes calling me while at work....and 24 hours later we are going to a movie and hes kissing me goodnight outside my door....three days later im thinking to myself "i could really see myself marrying this guy"
Downfall - he is deploying in 5 months (October) so what do i do? i stick around damnit! im strong enough for this...and if he continues to make me feel the way i do now...theres no doubt in my mind that i can withstand a 6 month deployment for him ;) after all he has truely shown me the way that i have always dreamed of feeling...and the time apart could even do us good...and as of the 27th we are officially dating..and today i come to you blog...telling you to prepare for millions of words and more...because this is going to be an awefully big adventure.

one day short of a month

Ive got a whole entire day under my belt...and all i can think of is "wow that was a fucking gay day" so who cares what everyone else thinks about Theron and I...what matters is just him and I..but what matters now is us being apart...yesterday i went to go and see him with no intention of walking out on him like i was forced to do...and now i cant see him for a whole terrible long and agonizing month... i hate it...i hate the thought of it...and i hate living it
i hate that he couldnt look me in the eyes and tell me that he wanted to be with be for sure
i hate that i cant make him as happy as i would like him to be
i hate so many things right now that im sitting alone in this dark room and thats been the story of my life for the whole entire day now...how pathetic...
i cant feel anything and there is no emotion left inside of me at this point...im alone and for the first time i feel like i would rather be alone then live the lie of Theron
he practically thru everything in my face...tore out my hope and dreams and trampled on them twice...i stress him out...he had the nerve to say that
and to be honest im just sitting here wishing that we could make love and leave...i just want to use him...
he rejected me yesterday...i walked out on him this time though...i got in the last word
and as he stood in front of my car i felt like i just wanted to punch everything...and throw a huge blown out tantrum...because he doesnt deserve to take what was left of my happiness and he doesnt deserve to make me cry anymore...no one does
so i yelled at him and i got in the last word and drove away...so he has to live with that memory
no more ring
no more texting
no more calling
no more of anything that is attached to the memory of him
if he wants me in his life...he will find a way to put me there
as for now ill do what i can to remind myself of whats important
...and soon enough he will realize whats important to him

over and out
((hurt enough to not even care))

You just stay where you are

...alone...all day...no one around...no one to say good morning too...no one to say good night too
so this is it...this is life without him...because he is gone and no one is worth talking with because hes not in my life anymore...and last night we said we would talk today, he has no interest, but to break me...and i cant handle that right now, i would rather stay puzzeled as to why this all is happening, then to know the truth at this moment
because at this moment i am extremely ill
i feel like im not only dieing inside, but my physical being cant take the pain of losing him
and im a master at playing off my feelings to the rest of the world, so im the only one who knows about how dark things are getting when im stuck here...in this room...by myself
i dont really care about what other people around me are thinking...because im hurt
because im sick
because when i needed Theron the most...he walked out on me agian...you would think thats a sign of having to let someone go...but when Theron walks out on me i crave him even more, all i can do is think of how to fix it...all i can do is listen to those sad songs that fill me with so much pain that it feels good to at least feel something...
and i want to change...even tho i would hate to change who i am...but if it means getting Theron back then its worth every effort
I had a dream last night about our wedding invitations...and how perfect they would look with the both of our names on it Theron + Taylor forever.

But reality isnt like that anymore...he goes to my best friend for everything...and here i am...hopeless...he wouldnt listen to me when we where together and that makes me feel like i was worthless...i just miss someone texting me that actually cared about me...i miss the way he would hold me from behind....so warm
...and he would be here right now...while im in this heartbreaking pain...and then maybe i would be healed faster if he was...but no...i managed to push him away agian...and all i do is sleep and pray that maybe today will be the day for answers....today will be the day he runs back to me with all the love he ever knew of
damnit im in soo much freaking pain right now it hurts to move...it hurts to exsist

I cant breathe

If there was one day when i needed Theron the most...its would have been today. I cant breathe...i cant feel my body, and im soo sick. Inhaling the smell of weed has killed my immune system, and i cant believe that i thought a bong was a vase until someone started putting their face on it. So here i am laying in bed...and i feel like im dying, i cant get up...i cant barely move. This week was a lesson...one big eye opening lesson. Emotions have been running at their highest and its time to let go. Im killing myself with all these hopeless memories. My phone is completely silent, and i think thats what gets to me the most, is that no one really cares anymore. I dont blame anyone for the sickness i feel inside. I just wish that Theron wouldnt have walked out on me, i wish he cared enough to fight. He is letting me go...and i suppose he wants me to do that same. My heart is considerably damaged by even the mere thought of him never being in my life agian. But i will do what he wishes, and i will respect his decisions. Because i cant change the world and be incontrol of everything. I long to be in the perfect relationship...but in the end Theron was the best i will have ever had, he treated me like a princess....he thinks im pretty without makeup...hes smart and handsome, and he care....he actually gives a damn
he took care of me...but he didnt take care of me today when i needed him the most...so this is fate...he isnt here...and he is letting me go...
so im letting this go...and is hurts like hell to write that, but it hurts like hell even more to picture Theron with any other gurl
but he deserves a less demanding relationship, and i deserve to be alone and i deserve to let everything go
but letting everything go...means being dead

Theron => I Love You

Numb

I don't cry about it...and when a thought of him comes to mind i distract my mind immediately. I left our relationship in his hands, and that was the hardest thing to do when i feel like i need to be in control of every aspect of my life....and we have been ignoring each other for four days now. In my opinon he left me Tuesday night and we where on good terms...but has time continued he choose not to communicate with me...so instantly i resolve to conclusions of my own.
So i let him be alone, i figure he is upset with me from what happened on Tuesday night, and unfortunately i cant change my caring nature...if i was to i would be left with nothing...and even though i care too much and sometimes it breaks my heart i would rather not be a cold human being. I have no clue what he is feeling and for now im ok with that. Maybe he really is getting his act together even more now days, i know i was a burden. I miss him...but my numb heart just keeps beating and life just keeps living. I suppose im in denial...i dont want to accept that we have to be apart but its what we are both doing to each other right now. Its hard to let it go, espcially since i feel like i killed myself inside and he brought me back to life.

i chose to live

last night i chose to live...mainly because i bought one single ticket to the concert of my life....yes Green Day! i will be going alone but who even gives a damn...i have an amazing seat and i can take care of myself. I just gave myself something to live for...at least for the time being.
I am confused...slightly as to how i keep drawing conclusions in my life to how is going to be lived...yet i always seem to be redirected later down the road. Things werent so easy when i was younger either...but they seemed a lot less complicated. I dont feel like i questioned things as much, i feel like i just took things as they where and left it at that. I wish i could stop questioning now...start letting things go just because i should. I had this fabulous relationship going for me...then one single moment ended it all. And what does that relationship mean now? All it is...is memories, just little bits and pieces that come to my mind. Signifigant enough to make a mark...but weak enough to fall apart. Some things make me really sad...certain things that remind me of him. I look at every other guy and i have to point out all the things that he would never do...that Theron did. I just gave up perfect...so where does that leave me. I now have to fix myself...cause im terribly broken. Keep holding on to a no longer exisiting reason, and just learn to toughen up and deal with it. For the time being i just want to make my body sick...i deserve so much pain, and here i am confessing every heart felt word i think to myself in my mind.
So here i am...holding on for my dream of Green Day...but slowly falling apart until i find myself agian

((i found a dark place))

why do i write?
I write because it frees my wrist of all the scarring, all the blood, and all of the continuing hurt that my physical pain brings on me. I write about my past because its just one more step at letting it all go, and i did...Matt is gone from my heart, only his memory remains...and just the happy memories, the hard memories exists, only because i have to learn from my mistakes and from my heartbreak. I feel like my whole entire soul is expressed through my words, but when no one is around to listen...i find comfort in writing. I am amazed by how my thoughts flow when i go back and read everything that i have written. I am almost always suprised at how i can describe moments in my life and how everything can come together so perfectly with words. I write because i made a promise, a promise that will be broken soon, and when i go to break that secret i will do everything to cover up my downfall. But my wrists will bleed with the blood that HE deserved. The blood shall shed for the love that i have lost, for the boi that was supposed to marry, the boi that was i was so captivated by. He deserves the deepest scar on my wrist...

...and i find myself not being able to cry over him. But i can feel it building up, i can feel it thriving inside of me, and when i break i promise it will be the most broken i will ever have been. Because this time the initial impact of the beginning didnt phase me, but the time will come to mourn...and when i do it will be a dark place. A horrible place that i thought i woud never be agian....but i can feel it coming.
I just feel like i really messed it up....like this place that i have become is all my fault. I thought i had it all figured out, but when you lose someone you love then it all becomes real...reality just kiks in. And here i am totally alone, and im trying to train myself to be ok with alone, but its looking like a hard long road. I wish that i could talk to him, but i am so afraid of getting re-attached and hurting him agian. Looking at who i am...hurting him again would be inevitable. I miss human touch, i miss his kisses...and when i walk around i feel like im going to be alone for a lifetime. Maybe thats how i was meant to live...in the silence...with no one, and when i want kids maybe i will be better off a single parent.
I just trying to build myself up soo strong, i feel like the fear of being alone is the only thing holding me back in my life...i feel like thats the one thing that i cant overcome, and if i overcame it i would be unstoppable.
I am very much enjoying writing down what i believe in a solid journal. I enjoy interpreting the Bible and being soild on my opinon. I can feel God guiding my words as i write down my spiritual walk in life...and what makes sense to believe in. The truth.

Suicide - Its been on my mind, ever since i was in middle school, on and off. But now its more on then off. I have this HUGE burden on my shoulder to live up to this high expectation . I have to get good grades, and right now im just not living up to my own expectations. I feel like im always letting my friends down, i just dont feel like a good enough person when i look at myself in the mirror. Everyday is this growing battle agianst the mirror, and i feel horrible about feeling horrible. My self esteem is affecting everything that i do in my life, and now its affecting my friends and my love life. I wish that i could just wake up and feel perfect, good enough, better then what im thinking in my own mind. I push people away because i cant see the good in myself. I feel like ending my life...it just seems like the logical decision...the less stressful way to live is not to live at all. It may be selfish....but how is it selfish when im a dissapointment to begin with, when no one is here to hold my hand, when i cant pull the grades that i should be. Im broken...and i cant be fixed, i have it in for myself, and bleeding out in the shower would solve all this suffereing. The boi i love wouldnt have to love me anymore, and i think thats really what means the most.

Hurting,
Taylor Anne Meester

...then along came life...

Theron Aleczander Doig... November 15, 2009 - March 13, 2010

...and it didnt end horribly, it just ended, like how movies just come to an end because they cant last forever. And our credits where rolling and then theres this blank dark screen, and thats where we left off. We dont talk about it, we dont talk at all. He texts me to see if im ok, but im not, im not even ok enough to text back...and maybe im not ok but i really am taking care of myself and attemtping to walk down that spiritual path again. He broke me because he finally gave up, he didnt want to stick around to bring me out of my dark place, and i dont blame him, it would have been a lot of time spent and a lot of effort given. I dont think he had it in him. I have spent a lot of time alone since then, no one is really around, and i dont really mind it. I hate alone but right now im just accepting it. Im embracing it and just liviing with it as part of my life. I deserve to be alone after how foolishly i have acted, i lost someone i love because i have trouble letting my past go, its just hard to let things go that one made you so happy. Im learning now, and im starting with this new fresh break up to let it go. I know im my heart that i want to be able to come back to him. But i cant, because i dont want to put his heart through that pain. Theron deserves the best, he donst deserve a mess like me, in my opinon no one does. Guys come and go out of my life and the one that i want to stick around the most....is the hardest to keep around. Im hard to handle, im an attention whore, im needy, most of all ill start a fight when i feel like fighting. Im just different from any other gurl, and the world continues to tell me that there is some guy out there thats perfect for me, but realistically those are just words. No one wants to put up with me. I feel hopeless, like i want to push everyone away. But life is built on the connections you can make with other people, so i strive to make those connections, to feel the passion and excitement of getting to know and love others.
But i just feel like i shouldnt of pushed Theron away, we had so much to thrive for in our relationship. I think the worst part of it all is not knowing how he feels about all of this, i wish i knew what he was thinking and how he was feeling. I wish he would yell at me, scream at me so i could know what was going through his mind. I just keep picturing him going along with time, feeling nothing, cold inside. And his smile is gone, his laughter covered in gray. I would hate to think thats what he would become. And i hate to think that he would be with anyone but me.
Being apart is whats best for the both of us. Mostly him, but this empty aparment makes me think twice about who i am, and what i want to be.
Change.

Taylor Anne Meester

P.s. Theron, I will always love you.